Busy Weekend

I had a really busy weekend and am paying for it today, but I'm not complaining.

Friday night my mom and sister-in-law took me out for my birthday. We went and saw the movie Just Go With It. Which was hilarious. Afterwards we went to Bob Evans. I had chocolate cake, they ordered real food. I'm sure mine tasted much better.


On Saturday morning I took Bunny and Tator to get their hair trimmed. Then came home and got some supper together for the guys. Our church had a baby/adoption party for Sissy. So the girls and I took off again for that. It was really nice. She got alot of diapers and really cute spring clothes. Now we just need spring. 

I decided to do something different for March. I planned out what we were having for supper the whole month. Including a cooked breakfast 4 mornings a week.

 So when we got home from church I headed off to the grocery store. I was there for the whole afternoon, but I got a lot of groceries. So I'm hoping I don't have to go back for anything other than milk until
April. This is my first time shopping for a month so I'll let you know how it goes.

 

Feelings

   I haven't been around lately because I've been trying to deal with some of my own stuff. I am full of a lot of feelings right now, but none I'm really sure how to share. Feelings I can't really describe.
  
   Living with my little Radish right now is becoming hard on me in a way I can't describe. Things haven't really changed in any way. She hasn't gotten any worse, but she certainly hasn't gotten any better and that's the hard part. I'm finding it very hard to be therapeutic right now because I'm so discouraged.

   Last weeks therapy was probably the worst session we've ever had. She came right out and told her therapist she didn't know when she'd ever "join the family" and that has played in my head like a broken record all week long. I also hear her therapist telling me"she's alot sicker than we thought."  How can those two little things haunt me so badly?

   I love my daughter so much, and every day as I rock her my heart breaks for her. I see her pain when she looks at me and I understand the whole not trusting me thing, but it doesn't make this any easier. Five and a half years I have been here for her and she still doesn't trust me.

   Five months ago we started therapy and still no changes. I was expecting to see a little change in her by now, but it's just not there.

   I've become selfish and I've made her healing about me. Me wanting to see changes. Me wanting her to accept us as her family. Me wanting to see her start to trust us. But I need to see it through her eyes. Why should she trust me? The last mommy she trusted hurt her, let other people hurt her, and then left and has never come back.

   So I guess some of my feelings are hurt, anger, loneliness, fear, frustration, guilt, helplessness, hate, discouragement and selfishness. I feel all these feelings at different times in different ways. Those feelings are what my daughter feels at the same time all the time. So when I think about it through her eyes with all those feelings going on inside her little seven year old head, no wonder it's so hard for her to trust.

   I will once again pray that God helps me through this. That he helps my daughter through this. That he helps me to get out of Me mode and see things through her eyes. Who knows maybe then I'll see that little change I've been looking for.

We Like Wednesday

Its We Like Wednesday again.

The kids really like us to read books to them before bed.

These are some of our favorites.

Tators favorite is Mama Loves Me. She recieved this book as a gift at her adoption party.

Bubbas favorite is I Stink. We've read this book every night for 5 months straight. I can read it with my eyes closed and so can he.

Busters favorite right now is Down By The Station. His favorite changes alot.

Thank you Hallmark

   "Stupid woman, I'm so mad at you! I'm mad because you didn't take care of me, I'm mad because you left me in my bed and didn't feed me." "I'm mad because you didn't bring me candy and wish me Happy Valentines Day, and I'm mad because you don't love me."



   These are the words my daughter was able to get out during a full blown fit.



   To mom From Tator
   I'm sorry for being mean. Can you forgive me?  (picture of happy face) (picture of sad face) circle what you want me to feel. We will be happy.



   These are the words written at the top of the picture she made for me after her blow-up. At the bottom she had drawn a pretty picture of her and I. Happy, pretty and full of color. Standing beside us she had drawn a dull, ugly women who she had drawn a red circle around and a big red x over. With birthmoms name beside. Beside her she had also drawn a broken heart in a red circle with another big x over it. 

   Why can't we take away their pain?