My decision

A few days ago I finished writing a post, that I never published, about how wore out I was with RAD and Tator. How tired of this life I was and dealing with her and everything that came along with it. Even though she had not been here for 4.5 months we had still been dealing with her and the the things that came with it.

 Over the week of Thanksgiving she proved she still wanted nothing to do with me or our family and nothing was going to change that. It felt hopeless. The time away from us did nothing for her.

We did go and check out the camp, Shawn and I fell in love with it and thought It could really help her. But we also knew she has to want to work at learning how to get along in a family for those changes to come.

 

Last week I was in a very low place. I had become overtaken with anxiety and depression about how my life had not turned out like I wanted it too and that I wanted one big fat do-over. I cried at the drop of a hat. I would look at my kids and want so bad to be the mom they deserved, but couldn't and felt like I never had been. Putting one foot in front of the other became a major task for me.

 

I have been mad at my husband for a while now. I felt that as the head of our house he should stand up and say enough is enough. Make  the decision for our family that we needed to make other arrangements for her. We have done enough. I felt he should see what I go through everyday with the other kids, what I've already been through with her, and realize I can't take on anymore. I felt he should accept the fact that Tator does not want to be in our family and let her go. Stop the fighting. Let's give her what she wants. She's done, I'm done, why go on living like this. Why put ourselves through taking her to this camp and making all these changes for the next couple years.

 

When I shared this with him he was adamant that her thinks this is going to work and that we need to stick to the plan of sending her there. He knew I was done and that he would take on all the responsibility of it.

 

Yesterday I had therapy and was sharing all this with my therapist. I was telling her how upset I felt because he didn't stand up and say we're done. I didn't understand why he wanted to put our family through this and continue on with the plan. It was going to be a big strain on our family in many ways. Then she said to me something I had not realized. She said, but he did make the decision, just not the one you wanted." He made the decision to hang in there, keep trying, and figure out how we could make this work.

 

This week I am doing much better. I realize my husbands heart and how I have to stand by him. As I sit on my couch with my 4 littles playing at my feet I realize how blessed I truly am and that God is still working on me. He has come through in ways I have never imagined. Here a new friend of mine grew up in the same town the camp is at and her mom has room for us to stay at her house so we don't have to drive straight through or pay for a hotel when we go get her for home stays. People have offered to by clothes or pay for gas. Things I never saw coming.

 

So this morning as I sit here feeling totally blessed and knowing God is going to take care of it all, I have to have peace in the fact that God is in control. This, by no means was my plan. I wanted that perfect family and life to run smooth. I never dreamt in that family I would have children with special need, let alone a child that for 7 years would work against me and fight our love. When we started down this foster/adoption road I flat out told God I would not have a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Ha, don't do that, I imagine God chuckling at me everyday.

 

I do want to start blogging more about the other kids and not RAD as much. The last 4.5 months that she's been gone have made me see who I am and who I want to be. I'm getting therapy and learning to like myself more and more. The kids are all growing and maturing and I'm learning more and more about each of them everyday. I now can think, I no longer walk around with my head in a fog, feeling like PTSD had taken over me and my mind.

 

While Tator is gone I will focus on me and what the other kids need. We will become healthier and stronger as a family. We will continue to pray that she makes the choice to change and want to be with us. I will not carry the burden of her decisions or the stress of trying to figure out how we are going to make all the travel arrangements work on my shoulders everyday. I am going to let God take care of that for me.

Friday I saw Tator for the first time in 7 weeks. We had an interview with a lady from the Residential Treatment Center. Tators therapist recommended that Tator and I not be in the room at the same time so she met with Tator for the first hour, then Shawn and I the second hour.

Tator is very excited about going. She says she thinks It would be a lot of fun to live there. When I got to talk to her later about it I tried to explain that it was not all supposed to be fun that she would be in therapy and working on helping herself get better so she could come home and live with us. While she was gone we would also be working on things here at home. She was very excited and said it was no big deal, she would go and work to get better so she could come home.

When we left I took her out to lunch which went really well. While we were eating  I realized I still have a lot of feelings of anger about all that has happened. She would make comments about "her new family" (respite home) or how they took her shopping for new clothes. I told her, do you realize I would have bought you new clothes if you didn't ruin everything I'd buy you. She'd just reply with, yea i know.

It was very hard for me, as the day went on I could feel the tension growing between us. There were times when she would try to bait me and I had to really watch what I said. I wanted this time to be fun, not full of blame or criticism.

When we got back to the (respite) house I could tell she was ready to be back. She jumped out of the car and gave me a quick hug not even realizing I was going to follow her in to talk awhile.

She looked so good. I think she has grown some and her face is healing real well. I dropped off some home school things for her to do this week. The RTC said they should be ready for her by the end of this week or defiantly next. I know this transition will be ok for her. I think the RTC sounds like a good place and she should get around  15 to 17 hours of therapy a week. Whether it helps is all up to her. We will certainly do our part.

Some random thoughts

* Tator has been gone 7 weeks now. I have talked to her on the phone many times. Last week she was climbing a tree with another girl and a tree limb fell and hit her in the face. She needed to get 7 stitches. Her respite provider took her to the ER to get stitches, but Friday I am taking her to have them taken out. I'm not sure how it is going to go.

* We have decided she needs to go into a RTC and are waiting on approval. I am not sure how things work in a residential or how long she will be there or what I'm going to tell her on Friday when she wants to know when she is coming home.

* I am praying that I don't have a problem finding babysitters while she is there and I need to go and meet with them and visit her. She will be 2 hours away, which means 4 hours on the road plus visiting/meeting time.

* I am hurting because it seems being away from us is not bothering her at all. I'm afraid she will do just fine in residential and not see any need to come home. Then what will happen when she does come home.

* Buc started school yesterday. Home school for Bunny and Bubbas starts on Monday. Tuesday Buster is starting preschool. I think it will be good for him.

* Since I am not so occupied with Tator I am realizing Sissy has some major problems. She still isn't talking, which we had originally blamed on being spoiled and everyone talking for her. Now I am noticing how weird (for lack of a better word) she is acting around different noises. I looked up Sensory processing disorder and she has all the symptoms in the auditory category. I'm waiting on early intervention to call back with a time they can come evaluate her.

* I became an Avon rep. again. I sold about 10 years ago and decided this was one of the things I was going to do for me. Like I needed to add one more thing to my list of things to do. I'm hoping I can really make a business of it by working out of my home with all the kids still needing me so much here.

* I'm ready for home school to start on Monday. I need the routine.

Setting in

We are finally moved in  and everyone is getting settled. Everyone is sleeping very good at night, matter of fact, the baby even slept through the night last night. We are enjoying the extra room, closet space (we didn't have closets in the old house), bathrooms (we went from one to three), and just the convinces that this house has that the other one didn't.

I'm still waiting for my washer and dryer to be hooked up then my laundry will all be upstairs where the bedrooms are. I have always been very spoiled with my laundry at the other house my laundry room was off the living room and right by the bathroom so when the clothes came off they went to the laundry room, cleaned then back up to the bedrooms. Here I have been bringing them downstairs from the bathrooms and bedrooms, cleaning them, then caring them back upstairs. I am not enjoying this. I was very spoiled before.

Tayler is still in respite. I hope to have time to blog more about that later. She is having a good time. She is doing well and holding it all together. She was even able to go on a mini vacation with them. Imagine that, and she didn't even give them any trouble in the car.

Next week at this time I will be visiting with some of my soul sisters. One that I have really gotten to know and the rest I don't know that I even met in Orlando, but am anxious to get to know them. I am looking forward to this time away. My mom is going with me and I am taking Bunny and the four littles. This is a much needed trip for all of us.

I'm hoping to be able to blog more now that we're moved. There is so much I want to say. I'm hoping with school starting soon things will be more structured and I will have more alone time. (but I won't bet on it) I will post more pictures of the house as we get things finished up.

Have a great weekend friends.

Trying something new



Duckie and Bunny.
Yes, they are sitting on our dock overlooking our pond.
Yes, we are having a very bad algae problem right now.

When Tator went to respite last week I decided things really had to change around here. I decided I was really going to start focusing on the other kids and their needs for a change. I started making changes with the little kids with things like bedtime routines, discipline, etc. I also decided we needed to start family therapy to help repair a lot of what was broken with all of us.

I made an appointment immediately and I went in and met the therapist and told her everything about our family. I talked about each one of the kids and what my concerns were. We decided that she would see each of the kids individually to see how they were doing with things and go from there. Buc and Bunny went yesterday. Buc wasn't happy about it, Bunny was fine with it. She loves to talk, expecially about herself so she didn't have any problems at all.

They did really well. When they were done I went in and talked with her. She said some things that surprised me and some that didn't about them and how they felt. I'm really glad I made this decision to have them go. She is going to see them again before Tator comes home to help teach them some coping skills. Bubbas and Buster are going in a couple days to see her.

It has been a week since Tator went to respite. I talked with the respite provider today and she is doing very well. I knew she would, she always does. That would be the RAD. She's not trying to form relationships with this family. They are simply meeting her needs and that is all she wants.

I am still having a lot of feelings. I know I don't want to go back to living like we were before. I know I want my daughter to come home, eventually heal and feel like part of our family. I also want her to want to be here and I don't know if that is possible. I want everyone to feel safe and be able to relax. I guess right now only God knows how this will play out.

Last night before I went to bed I read this and it is all I have been able to think about since. God is the only one who has the power to heal her. Will he do it on this side of heaven?

No free time

Reasons I couldn't wait to be done with homeschooling for the summer.

• I wanted to be able to get laundry washed, folded and actually put away all in the same day.
• I was going to be able to bake more and think about supper before it was actually supper time.
• I was going to read more, maybe even a book.
• Go for a walk in the evenings.
• I was going to spend time with the kids doing something other than school.
• We were going to have days where there would be absolutely no electronics and we would play games together or read.
• When I was a kid I can remember sitting on the front porch with my mom. I was hoping to start this tradition with my kids this summer.
• We were going to spend time swimming in our new pool.
• Blog more.

What is actually happening.

• I did put some books on hold at the library, but haven't picked them up yet.
• One of the kids is done with ball and we are heading into tournaments with another one.
• We are having weekly meetings with the mental health board about Tator and they are making me feel like I'm finally being heard.
• I joined weight watchers a couple weeks ago so I had an excuse to get out of the house alone.
• The kids and I have started playing wiffle ball together.
• We have time periods that they are not allowed electronics. I have had so many appointments that I have allowed the big kids to let the little ones watch t.v. while they are babysitting.
• We are buying a plastic kids pool in case we don't get the big pool up and running.
• I have blogged some, but mostly just put pictures on for my family who enjoys them.
• I got the chance to sit on the front porch at the new house and hold baby Coco one time, while I waited for a delivery man to deliver new beds.

What is normal?

A friend said something to me a couple days ago that I have been thinking about ever since. She walked up to me as I sitting by my van as Tator was having one of her episodes. I was feeling embarrassed, stupid and really out of place.

She said "I've come to realize everyones normal is different. What might be normal for one family may not be normal for another family. And that's ok."

That has stuck with me because I feel like our family is so different. I'll never forget one time Bunny had a friend over and Tator was having a really bad weekend. When the friend left I remember just crying and thinking she will never come back. It was a very normal weekend to us, but i'm sure it wasn't to the friend.

Our family is very different. My kids know how cruel and abusive adults can be to kids and I wish they didn't. They know things about mental illness that their friends would never understand. The things we talk about you probably wouldn't want your kids to know, but it is very normal to mine.

My 3 oldest kids know when I give them a look they are to take their younger siblings to another room because one of their siblings is about to explode. They have witnessed things their friends never have. This is a very normal thing in my house.

I hate you and shut up are things I never remember hearing as a child, but mine hear it way more then they should. It is not right, but it has become normal to them.

It may appear abnormal to you that one of my children are not allowed to play with their siblings or other children without supervision, because there are way to many trust issues.
Or why one of my children is always very close to me because when they get very far from me in public places she get disregulated and has a hard time getting regulated again.

When you go to bed tonight I can guarantee you will not be thinking up a mental list of school related things that you can give your child to do all morning the next day just to keep them regulated enough that they can make it to lunch without a major blow-up.
There are many things about my family that are not your normal and when I think about all the normals to us, but abnormals to you it is overwhelming to me.

One of the things I have learned from adopting and parenting children who have experienced trauma is Never judge anyones parenting! Every family has to operate different because every family has different needs and different circumstances.

My family does not operate like your family. Our normal is not your normal. And that's ok!

Thanks J. your words have stuck with me.

this and that.....

• My homeschoolers are almost done.
• Bunny went for state testing last week.
• She has a few things to finish up and then will be done for the year.
• She is playing softball again this year.
• Bubbas only has Math and Phonics left and then he will be done.
• I am so proud of the progress he has made this year. He is reading, I taught him, and that makes me proud.
• This is his first year for baseball and he loves making new friends.
• Buster went to preschool screening last week and is right on track. Although I think homeschooling is right for our family, I think he will be going to preschool two days a week next fall.
• Some of the older kids went and I think he will benefit from it.
• Sissy is growing like crazy and into everything. I have watched her a number of times this week scan the room for something to get into while I am getting her out of something else.
• Oh, she also learned two new words. Shut up.
• She can now say Poop and Shut up. Ok, not feeling real proud about that.
• Coco is growing like crazy and eats like there's no tomorrow.
• She is sleeping better at night, but still wants me to hold her most of the day.
• Buc has started baseball and has practice every night. Which means we load up every evening and either go to practice or a game.
• He had another migraine the other night. He woke up in the middle of the night with it. That's the first time that has happened, but was ok because he only actually was awake long enough to throw up.
• I on the other hand laid awake worrying about him for a couple hours.
• Tator is still riding the RAD roller coaster.
• The anxiety of school ending is really throwing her for a loop.
• She continues to remind me verbally and through her behaviors that she can do what she wants and I have no control over her.
• Duckie has exams this week and them will be done with school for the year.
• He continues to work and spend time with his girlfriend.
• He is going to prom tonight for the 5th year in a row.
• They are hanging drywall in our house as I type.
• It is coming along very well and I hope we can be moved in in a couple of months.
• Shawn continues to be as busy as ever.
• He is helping coach Bubbas ball team this year.
• Me, I'm still treading water. Trying to keep myself from drowning.
• I miss blogging, exercise, and being feeling organized.
• There are too many needs and not enough time.
• I have reached a level of exhaustion I have never felt before.
• There are so many things I want to blog about, I know it would help me cope with my days. But I just can't. I don't have it in me right now.
• I am very thankful for my mom, some close friends, and my 90 soul sisters. They give me strength.

Orlando

Over a year ago I started reading blogs. I was searching for answers and wanted to know what Reactive Attachment Disorder really was. I felt alone and overwhelmed and I needed to know there were other people out there with kids who acted like my daughter and I wanted to know how they handled it. I needed to understand and I needed to know more. There were some I read everyday because I couldn't get enough. There were people out there dealing with the same kinds of behaviors I was. I was so happy to find that I was not "nuts" and that other people had the same feelings and thoughts and were living the same private hell I was.

All these bloggers started talking about this amazing trip coming up and how excited they were for it. It was the ETAAM (Early Attachment and Trauma Meeting) and it was in Orlando. I remember the exact weekend they went last year it was a very rough weekend around here and It didn't help that my reader was empty because they were all somewhere together, not blogging.

Even though I read all the blogs I still felt very alone. I decided that weekend that next year I would be in Orlando no matter what it took. I wondered if the connection they all talked about was really for real. Could you really connect with strangers? People who you knew nothing about?

This past weekend I met these women and the answer is "Yes" you can connect with strangers and it doesn't matter if they know nothing about you because we all have one thing in common. We all parent or have parented kids from trauma. Our kids' trauma consumes our lives. I have 8 children and there are days that one child from trauma consumes my life more than the other 7 put together.

Rad is extremely isolating for me. I have a few people who truly "get it" here and that's it. I feel watched and judged all the time. I hate going places and being around people because our parenting of one of our children has to be so different. If you only have neurotical children you would never understand that my daughter's brain doesn't work the same way as your child's or some simple everyday things are very hard for her to handle.

ORLANDO WAS AMAZING! There were so many hugs and crying it was unreal. We could all connect on a level that most people will never understand. The best part was I never had to explain anything because everyone already knew. I didn't feel like an outcast or have to explain my parenting to anyone. I have found friends that are now part of my family.

I had a moment when we were all standing at the fountain getting ready to take the above picture and I was totally overwhelmed looking at the other 89 of these women. It took all I had in me not to bust into tears. All I could think was all these women deal with the same things I deal with every day and most of them deal with a lot more.

Someone said "Orlando is not a place it's a thing" and they were so right. It wouldn't have mattered where we were, all that mattered is that we were together. Orlando is something I will never miss out on again. I will be there. And more than anything, I will never ever feel alone again.

My housemates.



Random Thoughts

• Sunday was my birthday. I turned 37 and for the first time I truly feel old.
• I spent Sunday afternoon shopping for new clothes for my trip to Orlando.
• I have made the decision I will be starting weight w after Orlando. I need to get back to my preadoption weight.
• I'm so glad Buc didn't have any of the nasty side effects from his new migraine medicine that they warned us could happen when he first started it. I'm hoping he remembers to drink plenty of water because it can cause kidney stones.
• I'm thankful that after Tator had a bad day on Saturday she was able to bounce back the next day. That is huge for her.
• I'm thankful that I walked into the room today as Buster was holding the scissors up to the few strands of hair Sissy has and caught him before he cut them off.
• I hate it when people pretend their someone they really aren't. Then when the truth come out, people get hurt.
• I'm frustrated with teenage boys that seem to have no respect.
• I'm meeting a stranger tonight that called me because she just found out her daughter has RAD. I'm excited, but feel bad because I have no words of wisdom.
• This upcoming Orlando trip has brought up alot of my self esteem issues. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking what if they don't like me, or what if I say something stupid.
• But on the flip side I feel like I'm going to meet family I never knew I had.
• My stomach no longer gets upset when I hear Tators bus coming down the road to bring her home from school.
• I have about 4 blog posts swirling around in my head but don't have the time to sit down and type them so they actually make sense.
• The sun was shining for awhile today and that made me feel happy.

Thanks for listening, I really needed to get that out.

Homecoming and other random stuff

Last week was supposed to be my get back on track week. I was going to get back into the routine of exercising everyday and trying to blog every other day.

Then life happened.

We had an appointment every morning last week.
Our Internet was down most of the time. Which made us get behind with school, also making it hard to blog.
Buster had the flu and kept me up all night one night while he threw up.
Buc had another migraine. You can read about them here and here. This one wasn't too bad and he never got confused, but they are really hard on me emotionally. I worry through the whole thing.
We started feeding the neighbor lady's farm animals while she's on vacation.

Also, as an accomplishment, I read an entire book in a week in a half. I don't know when I've ever done that.
  ................................................................................................

We had a really nice weekend. Duckie went to homecoming with Belle. Bunny and Bubbas ran another cross country meet and are doing super. They have both improved their times. I can't believe how well Bubbas is doing with only being in kindergarten. He's really enjoying being part of a team.

We did put Tator in respite this weekend. I wasn't sure what to do. We had worked it out that she go every other weekend, but since she went 2 weekends ago she has been doing some what better at home. But since we were supposed to have a cross country race on Saturday and she has found a way to sabotage almost all the races she's supposed to bein, we decided it would be a good idea if she went.

This week Bubbas and I are headed to Ireland. I can't wait!

Have a great week everyone!

Dusting myself off

   I know I've been "missing" for awhile now. I haven't been posting and what I have posted really has no importance. The truth is I don't know what to say. In the past couple months things have gotten a lot rougher than they had been. I know in a lot of my past posts I've said Tator is having a really hard time, but now things are really starting to affect everyone.

   Tators rage has reached an all time high. She has made threats against me and one of the other kids. Which got us a trip to the psych hospital. Where she was not admitted, but we were told she has a VERY bad behavior problem. Duh!!!! Yesterday she made a different threat against me, which has caused me to be up all night. Waiting for her alarm to go off. Because I no longer have faith in the trazadz*ne she takes to help her sleep keeping her asleep. Over the last few months it has proven to not be working.

   I haven't been here because I don't know what to say. I have nothing positive or hopeful to write about. RAD has pushed me down and I'm having a hard time getting up and dusting myself off. So I have stopped blogging. I have basically went into hiding. I shut myself off from the outside world. I know I am not supposed to feel alone. I have some great friends who are here and a couple I have met through blogging who I know are here for me, but its still hard. There isn't an island somewhere for all of us moms parenting kids with RAD (which I would so be living on if there was) so its still weird to be around people with "normal" kids.

   I have been mad at God. Asking him why he let this abuse happen to my baby girl, or why he won't let her heal. Why doesn't He want her to be happy. I know this is wrong. I shouldn't question God. I still believe He's there watching over us. But I don't feel him. She was born a helpless, needy infant. Why did he let these things happen to her?

   I can't figure out how to do this anymore. Between the new house, everyones needs, and Tator. I feel lost and overwhelmed. I can't find it in me right now to be the therapeutic parent she needs. I feel like an empty shell of a mom, expecally to her.

    I feel joy on Monday mornings when that big yellow school bus pulls up and gives me respite for the next 8 hours. I can pour myself into homeschooling and spending time with the other kids. To give them the time and attention
 they lost over the weekend while RAD consumed us. But then I cry all day Friday knowing whats ahead.

   We have been using respite about every other weekend so that has helped us as a family. Since she has been making threats we've decided that we all need a break every once in awhile. I can slowly see the little boys bad behaviors improving. When she is not here every weekend for them to see disrespect and violence. I tell myself things will get better.

   For now, I apologize I don't have much to say. I am hurting and don't know where to turn. I am trying to post some other things. This is my journal of our life and our life isn't just Tator, although right now that's what it feels like. And believe it or not I've actually been doing much better, but last nights threats have kinda pushed me back down. So until I can pick myself up and dust myself off this is the best you get.

Backing off

   I haven't been blogging lately because I've been dealing with some hurtful stuff. I've been trying to process and work through it and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

   A couple weeks ago Tator went to a special needs camp. It was just the break everyone needed after vacation. It was a special needs camp with foster and adopted kids. They swam, rode horses, sang songs, and had a bible study everyday.

   On Friday when it was time to pick her up a friend of mine, who also had a daughter at the same camp, rode with me to pick the girls up together. When we got there we had to show our ID and then they asked us who we were here for. When I told them Tator they said "oh your going to have a hard time picking her up we all would like to take her home with us." That gave me a really sick feeling in my stomach, obviously she didn't show them any of the behaviors we deal with.

   We went into the sanctuary of the church to wait for the campers to come in. Soon they all started filing in, all with bags of things they had received that week, looking for their parents. My friends daughter came over, hugged my friend, sat down beside us, started talking about everything she had done that week and all the treasures she had received. I looked all over and didn't see Tator anywhere. I sat listening to Z, my friends daughter, talk about her week. I asked her a couple times where she thought Tator was. Finally I saw her sitting way off between 2 of the counselors, laughing and talking with them. At about the same time she looked up, caught my eyes, smiled, waved and got up with her counselor and came over to meet me. She hugged me and introduced me to her counselor. I asked her if she had fun and we chatted for a few minutes, then the director was getting ready to speak. So I asked her if she wanted to come sit with me during the ending program. She looked at the counselor and said " no, I'll stay with her." She (counselor) looked at me then followed Tator back to their seats.

  So the sick feeling i had in my stomach from before now was feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach. I went from hurt to mad. Suddenly her attachment to me became very clear. I tried not to be hurt, but dang! Five and a half years I have been a mother to this child and she's away from me with someone other than grandma for the first time for longer than 24 hours and she doesn't even want to sit by me.

   That weekend was long. As all you trauma mamas know re-entry is the hardest. Getting back into her normal routine was very hard for her. We had the normal two year old tantrums all weekend long. And the whole time I was finding it very hard to deal because I couldn't get what had happened Friday out of my mind.

  The next week we had therapy and when the therapist and I were talking before Tator came in I told her what had happened on Friday and how I was kinda shocked. She told me I shouldn't be and not to take it personally. But it was ok to feel hurt, I am only human.

   She talked with Tator about her bad behavior over the last few months and what had happened on Friday. Tator didn't seem at all bothered by it, her bad behavior or the fact that she didn't sit by me when I picked her up.
  
   It hurt for her as her therapist talked with her because I realized that she didn't realize she should have missed me. I also was mad because she had no remorse for the way she has been acting and treating us over the last few weeks/months. Her therapist asked her if she realized next time we went on vacation she would probably have to got to respite. She said she knew and didn't seem a bit upset about that.

   The following week we had an appointment with her psychiatrist and it was basically went the same way. He tried to talk to her about her behavior and she just sat there slouched back in her chair, arms crossed across her chest, kicking her feet and glaring at him the whole time. She would just mumble out one word answers when he would ask her a question. She looked like a 15 year old with MAJOR chip on her shoulder.

   He asked her if she loved me or anyone and she just kinda mumbled ya. Saying she didn't think there was anything wrong with her behavior. I told him I was tired of getting hit and kicked every time she got mad. She acted like she didn't really think there was anything wrong with her behavior. He asked why I should be her mom or what she could do to get along with the other kids. She just mumbled "I don't know."

   I tried to figure out if this was all an act, but after the months of bad behavior and her not missing me at all while she was at camp I just started to wonder, what if she doesn't want to heal, what if she doesn't want to be a family girl, or worse, what if she can't?

   The psychiatrist asked her to leave the room, then sat there telling me he wasn't sure if she was capable of loving. He said most RAD kids want to change and you'll see little glimpses, but she doesn't show it at all. I was very upset with her when we left. I did not go to the car acting like nothing had happened, I wanted her to know I was upset. So when she started asking me questions in the car like "are you taking me swimming now?" because we had not gone home the way we usually do. I let her know that I was very upset that she couldn't even tell him why she wanted me as a mom and there was no way I was taking her swimming. Besides she knew it was a stupid question, it was 7:00 at night.

   So the last couple weeks I've been dealing with a lot of feelings. I know not to take RAD personally and I'm not on a self pity trip. I'm just trying to process all the things he said along with her actions.

   I haven't given up, I love her too much to do that. But I have backed off, meaning I'm not asking to rock her or going out of my way, I'm just not pushing anything right now. Which I know is wrong, but I feel like I need space.

   She has been better since that night. I'm not sure why, but I won't complain. She's being really nice to everyone and helping out. I'm going to keep believing in her and that she can beat this. I'm going to direct my anger towards the source of her hurt instead of at her. And I'm going to try with everything in me to forget what her psychiatrist said.

My beef with the Nurse Practitioner

   The kids have been going to VBS all week, so they have been pretty exhausted by afternoon. Between Buc and Bunny we have had 5 baseball/softball games this week and the little ones have gotten to bed a lot latter than they are used to. So that has made for some long days.

   Tuesday night at Buc's baseball game Buster(3years) started crying and would not stop. Like over an hour of crying. I blamed it on not napping, but he kept holding his ear and saying it hurt. Then Sissy started crying and wouldn't stop. I also blamed it on being tired and after about an hour of her crying I was certainly not enjoying the game and I don't really think anyone else around us was either. So I took them and left.

   The past few mornings Sissy has woke up with her eyes matted shut, but it does not look like pink eye. I figured she had a cold in her eyes. So this morning I called the Dr. and we went for a visit. I asked if while they were seeing Sissy they could also look in Buster's ear just to make sure he didn't have an infection. He has a history of ear infections and had tubes that have came out. So I would not be surprised if he did have an infection.

   Our appointment was, of course, at nap time so I already had cranky kids. I had to take Bubbas(6years) with us and when he's overly tired and because of this crazy week he is, he likes to mimic Tators RAD behaviors. So he's sitting in the room with us growling, saying he hates us, making faces, etc. In comes a new nurse practitioner, not my regular Dr, that knows my children inside and out.

   The first thing she asks me is how many children do you have. When I say 7 she automatically says are some of them adopted?" So I already feel a little irated with this lady.

   Since Buster had a lot of ear infections his first year of life, he does not like his ears to be messed with. The Dr. and I usually have to hold him down and the Dr. looks. He's not mean he just does it, because he knows this is not something that Buster enjoys, but he is never going to cooperate.

   Well the nurse practitoner starts to look in his ears and he begins fighting, I'm trying to hold him down while she's trying to so gently look in his ears. Now this was very nice of her and she was being very good with him, but I knew she was just going to have to get in there and look, so to speak. The whole time I'm thinking "is the Dr. going to look also, because her trying to get practice with my kids is just not going to work."

   After she tells me how to hold him down so she can look in his ears(like I haven't been doing this for 3 years) and that he has so much wax build up and I need to get something to put in his ears to loosen that up. I'm starting to get VERY irritated. 

   Sissy is not as bad as him, but she did fight us and the nurse practitioner was determined to see in her mouth and Sissy was just not going to let her. She also had alot of wax build up which was really bothering the nurse practitioner. After telling me she wishes we could get them both down and rinse out their ears right here in the office. She gets out one of those big q-tip things they use as a swab and sticks it in Sissy's ear. Not the side with the cotton on it, the end side that looks like a little stick. I am beyond irritated now. Remember Sissy is fighting like crazy.

   Dr. finally comes in and the nurse practitioner starts to tell him everything she's seen with the kids. Of course Sissy is still fighting me and I'm trying to get her in the stroller and don't forget about the totally attached child sitting there mimicking RAD behaviors. The whole time I'm wanting to pull my hair out.

   Then I turn around to see Buster sitting on the chair as good as can be letting the Dr. look in his ears. While the nurse practitioner watches the whole time. Of course, I never thought to let him sit in the seat like a big boy. He was so proud of himself and I was so proud of him.

   So then we go through the whole thing again with Sissy. Only I left her in the stroller and Dr. looked her over. She had a cold in her eyes so we got her an antibiotic for that and Buster ended up having a pretty bad ear infection so its antibiotics for him also.

   Just when I thought we were wrapping it up and Dr. had given us the prescriptions, which Buster was very proud to carry, the nurse practitoiner says "I still think we need to look in Sissy's mouth to make sure we haven't missed anything." I'm thinking your kidding me. Are you serious? The fact that her eyes are red and there is goop coming out of them and her nose is running isn't enough.  Just let me out of here. So Dr. says well if you think we should. So they both get her down in the stroller and are trying to look in her mouth. She actually turns around and puts her face against the back of the stroller so they can't see in her mouth. Finally she is so upset that she starts crying, which was good because then she opened her mouth so they could see in it.

   I really didn't have anything personally against this lady it was just the situation. I do realize this is how they get practice to get their licenses, but I just did not like the way she was with my kids.

   This is the toad that Bubbas caught. That he brought in to show me as I typed this post. That jumped out of his hand and on to my keyboard and pooped.

Putting things into perspective

   I've been thinking a lot about my last post and realized it really sounded like a self pity trip. And honestly that's what I've been doing for a long time now.
   The truth is parenting a child with RAD is hard. There is no other way to put it. There are days that we (my husband, kids, and I) clearly feel we could lose our minds. The game play, the manipulation, the triangulation, the lying, making faces, trying to get everyone upset, the deviancy, the regressing into baby mode that can happen in less than a minute and then there's also the mimicking RAD behaviors from the little boys. All this that takes place, happens all in one day.

   I have been taking RAD very personally since she has been diagnosed. When my RADling has a bad day we all have a bad day. I have found it hard to sit in church, a ball game or even go to the grocery store and not burst into tears after RAD has had a bad day in my house. It has a different effect on each one of my children.

   Courtney said it beautifully. RAD is not my fault and I did not do this to my child. But it still hurts. I struggle every day with things that mothers of normal children will never understand. I do tend to sit around and pity myself asking God why he asked me to do this. I get mad because I don't want to do it. I want to have people understand me and my family and why we do things the way we do.

   Last week I hit rock bottom. I was so discouraged and RAD had ran rapid through this house all day long. Every characteristic of it. I actually told my husband I was done for awhile. He would have to fully parent Tator for awhile. He could take over all the therapy, and holding, and all the extra parenting that comes with parenting a RAD child. I hardly slept that night and cried most of it. Then the next morning I read this and I felt like Courtney had wrote it for me.(which she did not) It made me cry. It made me take back the task that God had asked me to do. It made me realize the worst thing I could do was walk away from my daughter when she needs me the most. That's what RAD does it pushes people away. So what my daughter needs most is me to stand and help her face RAD head on.

   I love Tator as much as I love my other children. I remember everything about the first time I saw her just like I do with all my other children. That's why it hurts so bad when she pushes me away. But she's not pushing me away, RAD is pushing me away. RAD is a disease. A disease I hope we can overcome.

   I am meeting amazing people because of RAD and even though I don't understand it yet, I know God has a plan. He is defiantly trying to teach me something. I just need to keep on keeping on to find out what that is.

My Broken Heart

  I think I mentioned in my last post that Tator has been more loving, and easier to get along with lately. She's been full of so  many hugs and I love yous, your the best mom in the world, I want to be right beside you and hold your hand continuously. To the point I want to puke, but I grin, bare it and go with the flow.

   Yesterday went like a dream she was home from daycare. So we reviewed school in the morning, she did great. Practiced reading, writing and telling time. Then all the kids went outside and played together, so I was able to get a lot done in the house.

   In the afternoon we had therapy and she was doing so well that I hated to have to tell her about the appointment. I knew it would make her upset. So I waited until after lunch to tell her. She ended up being ok with it. We got ready and left and she slept for at least an hour out of the hour and a half car ride. It was wonderful.

   Therapy went great. She of course was her charming self. Mommies the best, I'm ready to be a "family girl", I'm done with misbehaving, I've realized it doesn't get me anywhere etc., etc., etc.

   The car ride home went well I had bought her chips to eat in the car, something she's not usually allowed to do because when she gets mad she makes a mess with her food. She thanked me over and over telling me how I was the best mom in the world yada, yada, yada. She read and talked to me asking questions about the story she was reading.

   The whole while I was thinking, how can I go from going to daycare 3 days a week to homeschooling her. This past week and a half has been wonderful. We still had some 2 year old tantrums, but nothing major. Maybe alot of her episodes had to do with the medication she was on, maybe she is starting to mesh into the family. I felt bad because she had said during therapy that she hated daycare and wanted to be home with us. I felt bad about that. I don't want her spending time in a daycare that she hates when she can be at home playing with her siblings, If she can act like a nice person to all of us when she's here and REALLY wants to be here.

  As we came into town it was almost time to pick up Buc and a friend from baseball so I had called home and told them I would pick them up instead of someone else making a trip in town. So I pulled into the ball field and shut off the car because we had about 10 minutes to wait until practice was over.

  Then BOOM it happened. Tator went crazy. She started with kicking the seat and yelling "I hate you, your the worst mom in the world, get me out of this car I'm not sitting here," I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Apparently she didn't want to sit and wait. Ten minutes, ten stinking minutes. I tried to explain to her that we were only going to be there a few minutes, but she was beyond hearing me. I also tried to explain to her that everyone around and on the ball field could hear her. She must have heard that, because then she started yelling, "put up the window, I'll yell if I want."

  The rest of the evening carried out the same way, alot of yelling, telling me what a mean mom I was and how much she hated me. Well except for the ride home because as soon as Buc and his friend started to the car she sat down, buckled in and put on a happy face. She wouldn't want the friend to see her acting like that.

  Thank goodness it was bedtime right after supper. (Well it was for her anyway.) It was all I could do to get her there without falling apart. As soon as I got her to her to bed and left the room, I let the flood gates open. I cried and cried and felt my heart breaking into a hundred pieces. She was gone, the sweet, nice, fake happy, cuddly little girl that I wanted to rip out of daycare, because she wanted to be with me all the time was gone. The little girl that sat at the kitchen table that morning and worked on school and I fantasied about homeschooling and everything being normal was gone as quick as she came.

  Reality set back in as I told myself "this is your normal."



Last week and ORLANDO.

   Last week went pretty well for being the first week of summer vacation. We had a few appointments at the beginning of the week, but was still able to squeeze in some swimming time before Shawn and I had to spend three days in foster parent training.

   I've mentioned before that Tator has a hard time adjusting to change in routine, so we had really contemplated putting her in daycare a couple days a week while she's on summer vacation.  We decided to start out last week with 3 days a week and see how she adjusts. Then in July drop down to 2 days week. I've talked with all her therapists and even her psychiatrist and they think its ok even though we are working on her attachment to us. I can be a much better Mommy to her if I get respite from RAD (not her) a couple times a week.

  She did very well at daycare, but because she was so exhausted she ended up throwing a fit after supper and went to bed early both nights. Aside from the fits she has been more loving, hugging me more and being nicer to the other kids. She even asked me to lay with her for awhile when I put her to bed the other night.

   Thursday, Friday and Saturday Shawn and I took FP training classes all day. We came home having learned a lot of good information, but they were still very long days.

   Yesterday we surprised the kids by having a Family Fun Day and took them to the zoo. (pics coming soon) We didn't tell them until they got up and were eating breakfast. They had a blast. I'm sure they will all still be worn out today. They did alot of walking.

 Oh my gosh, I almost forgot to tell everyone. I'm going to Orlando! I can't wait! It's not until next spring so I'm sure you'll be hearing how excited I am for a long time. I'm already driving my kids nuts talking about it. They still don't believe I'm going. I have never flown before and said I never would. When I think about the flying part it terrifies me. But it will be so worth it. RAD makes you do crazy things and this will be my crazy thing. It's totally not like me to get in airplane and fly to another state to meet complete strangers. ALONE! But I've already meet most of the other "trauma mamas" on line that I'll be staying with and I look forward to meeting them in person when we get there.

   Well I've gotta go, I've got alot of house work to catch up on. Have a great week everyone!





I'm Back!

Duckie's Graduation party went great. The weather was beautiful and we didn't run out of food, which was something I was very worried about.

It has taken me awhile to get back to blogging. Why? I'm not quite sure I have a good answer. I had to catch up on a lot of things first: reading, taking naps, all the hours of TV I had DVR'd over the past few months, dreaming about Orlando, taking walks, thinking about moving, oh and did I mention, taking naps. See I told you I really didn't have a good answer. But this week I'm getting back into the swing of things.

Homeschool is over and public school will soon be too. I plan to have review days twice a week this summer. Some math one day and probably English the other. I feel we spend way to much time reviewing in the fall, so I'm going to do things a little different this year. We're also going to get involved in the reading program at the library.

RAD has been running full force through our house for about the last month. And to be honest it is draining me. Tator is really struggling. I'm not sure if it's a med. thing or anxiety about school coming to an end. It's really hard to tell. She's always upset about something so it's hard to tell what her triggers are. We're headed to therapy tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.

Oh yea, and this is the chip dip we served at Duckie's graduation

 party. I didn't even notice until a couple days after the party.

How would you pronounce Heluva?

I sure hope its not pronounced Hell of a good

sour cream dip.

I guess that's what you get when you

send your husband to the store the morning of the party.

I'm still here

Hello everyone, I'm still here.

Just taking a break from blogging.

Any spare time I have is being used

toward getting ready for Duckies

graduation party. I'll be back soon.

I did take some time last week to

take the kids fishing. I just had to

share this picture of Buster holding

the little fish Bubbas caught.

Isn't he the cutest kid ever!



Yesterday I was the mom who.........

• fed her kids cereal for supper after they had eaten McDonald's for lunch.Yuck!
• got her daughter to softball practice 20 minutes late.
• arrived to her sons baseball game after he had caught a fly ball and made a double play, but now he was sitting the bench because he's one of the younger ones and it was someone elses turn to play.
• made her other daughter go to the baseball game in her socks with no shoes, because she decided to get in the van and kick everything she possibly could.
• came in the house after taking shoes from daughter and, because no one was looking, threw the shoes across the wreck room, hitting a bowl of peanuts, which flew all over the room that she did not have time to clean up before she left.
• cleaned up peanuts off the floor as soon as she got home from game. Which were now covered in ants!

I was also the mom who..........

• got up 15 minutes early to take a shower so she could cook eggs and muffins for her kids for breakfast.
• Sat at the Dr.'s office for an hour and a half with four kids because her 3 year old woke up saying his ear hurt. (who turned out to have an infection in each ear)
• went to her church to make a "I'm proud of you" video for her graduating son to be played during the church service to honor him.
• who unloaded 4 kids and ran walked very fast into Walmart, twice, to use the one hour photo to get prints developed so she could work on senior posters for her son today.
• sat for 45 minutes fighting with 2 toddlers while her homeschoolers went to their swim class, then did it all over again while they were at their gym class.
• sat patiently with her daughter as she (daughter) tried to argue with her about how she was supposed to hold her book while she did homework.
• never lost her cool as she sat at her sons ballgame with her totally disregulated daughter, who had just had a total melt down at home and in the car. As her daughter kicked the bleachers she repeatedly told mom about the wonderful Mothers Day gift she was making for her at school. (Stupid Mother's Day. I can guarantee that was the reason for the totally disregulated night.)
• did get to see her son be put back in the game for the last inning and catch a fly ball causing an out.
• did it all alone because Thursday nights her husband works late.

So why, when the positives outweighed the negatives, did I still feel so bad when I went to bed last night?