Dusting myself off

   I know I've been "missing" for awhile now. I haven't been posting and what I have posted really has no importance. The truth is I don't know what to say. In the past couple months things have gotten a lot rougher than they had been. I know in a lot of my past posts I've said Tator is having a really hard time, but now things are really starting to affect everyone.

   Tators rage has reached an all time high. She has made threats against me and one of the other kids. Which got us a trip to the psych hospital. Where she was not admitted, but we were told she has a VERY bad behavior problem. Duh!!!! Yesterday she made a different threat against me, which has caused me to be up all night. Waiting for her alarm to go off. Because I no longer have faith in the trazadz*ne she takes to help her sleep keeping her asleep. Over the last few months it has proven to not be working.

   I haven't been here because I don't know what to say. I have nothing positive or hopeful to write about. RAD has pushed me down and I'm having a hard time getting up and dusting myself off. So I have stopped blogging. I have basically went into hiding. I shut myself off from the outside world. I know I am not supposed to feel alone. I have some great friends who are here and a couple I have met through blogging who I know are here for me, but its still hard. There isn't an island somewhere for all of us moms parenting kids with RAD (which I would so be living on if there was) so its still weird to be around people with "normal" kids.

   I have been mad at God. Asking him why he let this abuse happen to my baby girl, or why he won't let her heal. Why doesn't He want her to be happy. I know this is wrong. I shouldn't question God. I still believe He's there watching over us. But I don't feel him. She was born a helpless, needy infant. Why did he let these things happen to her?

   I can't figure out how to do this anymore. Between the new house, everyones needs, and Tator. I feel lost and overwhelmed. I can't find it in me right now to be the therapeutic parent she needs. I feel like an empty shell of a mom, expecally to her.

    I feel joy on Monday mornings when that big yellow school bus pulls up and gives me respite for the next 8 hours. I can pour myself into homeschooling and spending time with the other kids. To give them the time and attention
 they lost over the weekend while RAD consumed us. But then I cry all day Friday knowing whats ahead.

   We have been using respite about every other weekend so that has helped us as a family. Since she has been making threats we've decided that we all need a break every once in awhile. I can slowly see the little boys bad behaviors improving. When she is not here every weekend for them to see disrespect and violence. I tell myself things will get better.

   For now, I apologize I don't have much to say. I am hurting and don't know where to turn. I am trying to post some other things. This is my journal of our life and our life isn't just Tator, although right now that's what it feels like. And believe it or not I've actually been doing much better, but last nights threats have kinda pushed me back down. So until I can pick myself up and dust myself off this is the best you get.