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   Tator wanted to run cross country this year with Bunny and Bubbas. So we let her. She said she loves it. She went to every practice, ran, and had a good time. She was always excited when she got home from school and knew there was cross that night. She would get a snack, do her homework and get ready pretty easy.

But there was a pattern when it came to Saturday races. One was early in the morning and pretty far away so I didn't even try to take her because of her car issues. But the rest we're early afternoon. We would usually get up and start on some Saturday morning chores and once they were finished we'd get ready to go. Tator could handle helping out and was for the most part cooperative. Then right before it was time to go she would lose it over something. She would start to rage to a degree I knew I couldn't put her in the car. So she would stay with dad. Being fine and cooperative the rest of the day for him.

I often questioned why this was. She said she loves to run. I don't see that she does, but she never seems to enjoy anything. Was she doing this on purpose?

Last night was their last cross practice. They were going to play games and have a pizza party. She knew about this and seemed to be pretty excited about it. When she came home from school she was mad. We could see it as soon as she walked in the door. She started on her homework and quickly broke the lead of her pencil. This is something she does almost every time she does homework. She pushes down on the pencil real hard until it breaks. I told her she would have to wait a minute for me to sharpen it. She was not happy about that at all. 

She started saying she was sick and running a fever. She asked me to touch her head to see if she was hot. She wasn't and I told her that. She got mad and fell to the floor saying I was lying and that I didn't know how sick she really was. So I told her I must have been wrong and that she should come here so I could feel her head again. She did and I told her she was right, she had a horrible fever and she should stay in the car and rest with me during cross practice. She fell to the floor again screaming and crying that she wasn't going to miss the last practice and the pizza party.

So I told her to go wash her hands because she had lead all over them. She screamed her hands we not dirty and she didn't know why I always had to tell her what to do. When she opened the bathroom door she saw some gnats on the bathroom sink (yes we are having a gnat problem right now) so she totally flipped out and said she was never going in the bathroom again. Why would I not have done something about those gnats today while she was at school.

By this time she was totally out of control. Although I was trying to stay very regulated myself I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing I could not put her in the car. I talked her into going to her room and she did stay there long enough for me to call my mom and have her come get Bunny and Buster and take them to cross.

When I went to her room to talk to her she said she was mad about a paper she had colored Friday night and had taken to school to show the class today. They were too busy to look at it and the teacher said it would have to wait until tomorrow.

So you tell me. What was this really about. The RAD in her that won't let her enjoy anything? A paper that the she really wanted to show the class and didn't have time to do? Or was it just reentry from respite this weekend?

I don't know. But the one thing I do know is, it will be a long time before I let her color and picture to take to school again.

Homecoming and other random stuff

Last week was supposed to be my get back on track week. I was going to get back into the routine of exercising everyday and trying to blog every other day.

Then life happened.

We had an appointment every morning last week.
Our Internet was down most of the time. Which made us get behind with school, also making it hard to blog.
Buster had the flu and kept me up all night one night while he threw up.
Buc had another migraine. You can read about them here and here. This one wasn't too bad and he never got confused, but they are really hard on me emotionally. I worry through the whole thing.
We started feeding the neighbor lady's farm animals while she's on vacation.

Also, as an accomplishment, I read an entire book in a week in a half. I don't know when I've ever done that.
  ................................................................................................

We had a really nice weekend. Duckie went to homecoming with Belle. Bunny and Bubbas ran another cross country meet and are doing super. They have both improved their times. I can't believe how well Bubbas is doing with only being in kindergarten. He's really enjoying being part of a team.

We did put Tator in respite this weekend. I wasn't sure what to do. We had worked it out that she go every other weekend, but since she went 2 weekends ago she has been doing some what better at home. But since we were supposed to have a cross country race on Saturday and she has found a way to sabotage almost all the races she's supposed to bein, we decided it would be a good idea if she went.

This week Bubbas and I are headed to Ireland. I can't wait!

Have a great week everyone!

Dusting myself off

   I know I've been "missing" for awhile now. I haven't been posting and what I have posted really has no importance. The truth is I don't know what to say. In the past couple months things have gotten a lot rougher than they had been. I know in a lot of my past posts I've said Tator is having a really hard time, but now things are really starting to affect everyone.

   Tators rage has reached an all time high. She has made threats against me and one of the other kids. Which got us a trip to the psych hospital. Where she was not admitted, but we were told she has a VERY bad behavior problem. Duh!!!! Yesterday she made a different threat against me, which has caused me to be up all night. Waiting for her alarm to go off. Because I no longer have faith in the trazadz*ne she takes to help her sleep keeping her asleep. Over the last few months it has proven to not be working.

   I haven't been here because I don't know what to say. I have nothing positive or hopeful to write about. RAD has pushed me down and I'm having a hard time getting up and dusting myself off. So I have stopped blogging. I have basically went into hiding. I shut myself off from the outside world. I know I am not supposed to feel alone. I have some great friends who are here and a couple I have met through blogging who I know are here for me, but its still hard. There isn't an island somewhere for all of us moms parenting kids with RAD (which I would so be living on if there was) so its still weird to be around people with "normal" kids.

   I have been mad at God. Asking him why he let this abuse happen to my baby girl, or why he won't let her heal. Why doesn't He want her to be happy. I know this is wrong. I shouldn't question God. I still believe He's there watching over us. But I don't feel him. She was born a helpless, needy infant. Why did he let these things happen to her?

   I can't figure out how to do this anymore. Between the new house, everyones needs, and Tator. I feel lost and overwhelmed. I can't find it in me right now to be the therapeutic parent she needs. I feel like an empty shell of a mom, expecally to her.

    I feel joy on Monday mornings when that big yellow school bus pulls up and gives me respite for the next 8 hours. I can pour myself into homeschooling and spending time with the other kids. To give them the time and attention
 they lost over the weekend while RAD consumed us. But then I cry all day Friday knowing whats ahead.

   We have been using respite about every other weekend so that has helped us as a family. Since she has been making threats we've decided that we all need a break every once in awhile. I can slowly see the little boys bad behaviors improving. When she is not here every weekend for them to see disrespect and violence. I tell myself things will get better.

   For now, I apologize I don't have much to say. I am hurting and don't know where to turn. I am trying to post some other things. This is my journal of our life and our life isn't just Tator, although right now that's what it feels like. And believe it or not I've actually been doing much better, but last nights threats have kinda pushed me back down. So until I can pick myself up and dust myself off this is the best you get.

Europe here we come.....

 

 After a lot of debating and praying I choose to enroll Bunny and Bubbas in an online school this year. Part of me was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up with everything they wanted me to do with Bubbas, but the other part of me was so excited not to have to worry about what we were going to do everyday or finding the time to put together all the lessons myself.

I have to say it was a great choice.

As soon as Bunny figured out how to get her lessons every day she became a lot more independent. She also has 2 online classes a day. In the morning she has a math class and in the afternoon she has a literature class.

Her and I have always struggled doing math together so this is great for both of us. While she's in class having someone else teach her math (someone she won't argue with) it gives me time to really work with Bubbas. She's really enjoying the change this year.

I have to admit I was very unsure about homeschooling Bubbas this year. He is so hyper and hates anything that has to do with school. But he is doing great. I am really enjoying watching him mature and learn new things everyday. I decided to do Kindergarten with him again this year. He did real well last year with Kindergarten math but really struggled with phonics.

We are really enjoying history. We started out learning about the different continents and the countries in them. This week we are talking about the continent of Europe, and the countries Spain and England. A couple nights ago we had a Spanish dinner to go with our lesson. I choose a chicken and Spanish rice casserole and a quick and easy apple tart. Almost everyone enjoyed the dinner and Bubbas is really enjoying telling everyone about what he has learned.