Friday I saw Tator for the first time in 7 weeks. We had an interview with a lady from the Residential Treatment Center. Tators therapist recommended that Tator and I not be in the room at the same time so she met with Tator for the first hour, then Shawn and I the second hour.
Tator is very excited about going. She says she thinks It would be a lot of fun to live there. When I got to talk to her later about it I tried to explain that it was not all supposed to be fun that she would be in therapy and working on helping herself get better so she could come home and live with us. While she was gone we would also be working on things here at home. She was very excited and said it was no big deal, she would go and work to get better so she could come home.
When we left I took her out to lunch which went really well. While we were eating I realized I still have a lot of feelings of anger about all that has happened. She would make comments about "her new family" (respite home) or how they took her shopping for new clothes. I told her, do you realize I would have bought you new clothes if you didn't ruin everything I'd buy you. She'd just reply with, yea i know.
It was very hard for me, as the day went on I could feel the tension growing between us. There were times when she would try to bait me and I had to really watch what I said. I wanted this time to be fun, not full of blame or criticism.
When we got back to the (respite) house I could tell she was ready to be back. She jumped out of the car and gave me a quick hug not even realizing I was going to follow her in to talk awhile.
She looked so good. I think she has grown some and her face is healing real well. I dropped off some home school things for her to do this week. The RTC said they should be ready for her by the end of this week or defiantly next. I know this transition will be ok for her. I think the RTC sounds like a good place and she should get around 15 to 17 hours of therapy a week. Whether it helps is all up to her. We will certainly do our part.
* Tator has been gone 7 weeks now. I have talked to her on the phone many times. Last week she was climbing a tree with another girl and a tree limb fell and hit her in the face. She needed to get 7 stitches. Her respite provider took her to the ER to get stitches, but Friday I am taking her to have them taken out. I'm not sure how it is going to go.
* We have decided she needs to go into a RTC and are waiting on approval. I am not sure how things work in a residential or how long she will be there or what I'm going to tell her on Friday when she wants to know when she is coming home.
* I am praying that I don't have a problem finding babysitters while she is there and I need to go and meet with them and visit her. She will be 2 hours away, which means 4 hours on the road plus visiting/meeting time.
* I am hurting because it seems being away from us is not bothering her at all. I'm afraid she will do just fine in residential and not see any need to come home. Then what will happen when she does come home.
* Buc started school yesterday. Home school for Bunny and Bubbas starts on Monday. Tuesday Buster is starting preschool. I think it will be good for him.
* Since I am not so occupied with Tator I am realizing Sissy has some major problems. She still isn't talking, which we had originally blamed on being spoiled and everyone talking for her. Now I am noticing how weird (for lack of a better word) she is acting around different noises. I looked up Sensory processing disorder and she has all the symptoms in the auditory category. I'm waiting on early intervention to call back with a time they can come evaluate her.
* I became an Avon rep. again. I sold about 10 years ago and decided this was one of the things I was going to do for me. Like I needed to add one more thing to my list of things to do. I'm hoping I can really make a business of it by working out of my home with all the kids still needing me so much here.
* I'm ready for home school to start on Monday. I needthe routine.
In the last 5 weeks Tator has only been here 4 days. The 4 days she was here were after the first week. It was when she had come home from camp.
The week she was at camp we all breathed easier and enjoyed the peace. I knew something was going to change with her. I knew things couldn't go on like they had been, it was taking too big of a toll on our family. My littles were suffering, as well as her, and I could not watch it go on. I needed to find my voice, a voice that has been hidden too long.
Our community mental health board was helping us come up with a "safety plan" but to me it was not happening fast enough. Things were getting too out of control, so I really started to push.
After her being gone the first week at camp the plan was for her to be home the next week with us, then I had someone that had offered to do respite for her while we moved so she was going to go there that weekend and stay until we were moved and settled in. I also thought by then we would have a safety plan in place so when she came home and she got out of control we would have back up.
That didn't work as I had hoped. She came home from camp on a Saturday morning with the flu, which pretty well knocked her out for the weekend. Then on Monday I could tell she still wasn't herself, but did fairly well at holding it together. Then Tuesday came and we had an appointment for Buc. To make a long story short, It did not end well and we were left 45 minutes from home. Me standing beside the car in a parking lot with Buc and Bunny trying to calm down all 4 littles in a locked car while they watched Tator hit, kick, scratch and bit me. When I tried to call for help she would hit the phone out of my hands and it would go flying across the parking lot.
That day I know this could no longer go on. I could not do it anymore. She had to get help. We had to get help. The emotional damage this was doing to the littles and myself was way too much.
The next day she went to the respite providers. While she was playing, swimming, and having a good time, I started to pick up the pieces here at home. Like I mentioned before we started family therapy, Bubbas and Buster and going the most. They both have some issues that really need to be worked on. They think violence is acceptable and ok and that creates a big problem. I am spending more time holding, rocking and reading with them. Trying to repair some of the damage and feelings they are having.
The community health board is looking for a therapeutic foster home for Tator. She will stay there and get the therapy she needs to learn how to deal with her emotions and learn cooping skills as to what to do when she is upset. These are things we have all worked on before. I'm not sure how this time will be different, but I want to be positive. I'm trying. Her violent behaviors make the other RAD behaviors feel like a walk in the park. I can deal with the behaviors, but not the violence. I'm tired of being a punching bag!
She is doing good. There have been no problems in respite. 4 weeks in that home and the honeymoon should be over. She should be showing some behaviors, but as the respite provider said " her level of self control is amazing." I always knew that.
I am feeling a lot of feelings. Anger, because she chooses to act this way in our home. She choose to let fear take over every time she felt love. Guilt, for way too many ways reasons to list right now. Peace, because everyone is doing well and the chaos she brings is gone. Sadness, overwhelming sadness for her that is hurts her way too much to bond with us. It's just way to easy to push us away. Fear, of the unknown and how this might play out. And last but not least, failure. I know I did not do this to my daughter. Someone else did, that person that gave birth to her and was supposed to love, care for, and protect her didn't. I now I am paying for her sins. But after 6.5 years I couldn't help her heal. I couldn't help her be the person I totally believe she can be. Failure because, I like so many other adoptive moms, thought love was going to be enough.
We are finally moved in and everyone is getting settled. Everyone is sleeping very good at night, matter of fact, the baby even slept through the night last night. We are enjoying the extra room, closet space (we didn't have closets in the old house), bathrooms (we went from one to three), and just the convinces that this house has that the other one didn't.
I'm still waiting for my washer and dryer to be hooked up then my laundry will all be upstairs where the bedrooms are. I have always been very spoiled with my laundry at the other house my laundry room was off the living room and right by the bathroom so when the clothes came off they went to the laundry room, cleaned then back up to the bedrooms. Here I have been bringing them downstairs from the bathrooms and bedrooms, cleaning them, then caring them back upstairs. I am not enjoying this. I was very spoiled before.
Tayler is still in respite. I hope to have time to blog more about that later. She is having a good time. She is doing well and holding it all together. She was even able to go on a mini vacation with them. Imagine that, and she didn't even give them any trouble in the car.
Next week at this time I will be visiting with some of my soul sisters. One that I have really gotten to know and the rest I don't know that I even met in Orlando, but am anxious to get to know them. I am looking forward to this time away. My mom is going with me and I am taking Bunny and the four littles. This is a much needed trip for all of us.
I'm hoping to be able to blog more now that we're moved. There is so much I want to say. I'm hoping with school starting soon things will be more structured and I will have more alone time. (but I won't bet on it) I will post more pictures of the house as we get things finished up.