Monday, February 28, 2011

Busy Weekend

I had a really busy weekend and am paying for it today, but I'm not complaining.
Friday night my mom and sister-in-law took me out for my birthday. We went and saw the movie Just Go With It. Which was hilarious. Afterwards we went to Bob Evans. I had chocolate cake, they ordered real food. I'm sure mine tasted much better.

On Saturday morning I took Bunny and Tator to get their hair trimmed. Then came home and got some supper together for the guys. Our church had a baby/adoption party for Sissy. So the girls and I took off again for that. It was really nice. She got alot of diapers and really cute spring clothes. Now we just need spring. 

I decided to do something different for March. I planned out what we were having for supper the whole month. Including a cooked breakfast 4 mornings a week.
 So when we got home from church I headed off to the grocery store. I was there for the whole afternoon, but I got a lot of groceries. So I'm hoping I don't have to go back for anything other than milk until
April. This is my first time shopping for a month so I'll let you know how it goes.


Friday, February 25, 2011


   I haven't been around lately because I've been trying to deal with some of my own stuff. I am full of a lot of feelings right now, but none I'm really sure how to share. Feelings I can't really describe.
   Living with my little Radish right now is becoming hard on me in a way I can't describe. Things haven't really changed in any way. She hasn't gotten any worse, but she certainly hasn't gotten any better and that's the hard part. I'm finding it very hard to be therapeutic right now because I'm so discouraged.

   Last weeks therapy was probably the worst session we've ever had. She came right out and told her therapist she didn't know when she'd ever "join the family" and that has played in my head like a broken record all week long. I also hear her therapist telling me"she's alot sicker than we thought."  How can those two little things haunt me so badly?

   I love my daughter so much, and every day as I rock her my heart breaks for her. I see her pain when she looks at me and I understand the whole not trusting me thing, but it doesn't make this any easier. Five and a half years I have been here for her and she still doesn't trust me.

   Five months ago we started therapy and still no changes. I was expecting to see a little change in her by now, but it's just not there.

   I've become selfish and I've made her healing about me. Me wanting to see changes. Me wanting her to accept us as her family. Me wanting to see her start to trust us. But I need to see it through her eyes. Why should she trust me? The last mommy she trusted hurt her, let other people hurt her, and then left and has never come back.

   So I guess some of my feelings are hurt, anger, loneliness, fear, frustration, guilt, helplessness, hate, discouragement and selfishness. I feel all these feelings at different times in different ways. Those feelings are what my daughter feels at the same time all the time. So when I think about it through her eyes with all those feelings going on inside her little seven year old head, no wonder it's so hard for her to trust.

   I will once again pray that God helps me through this. That he helps my daughter through this. That he helps me to get out of Me mode and see things through her eyes. Who knows maybe then I'll see that little change I've been looking for.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

We Like Wednesday

Its We Like Wednesday again.

The kids really like us to read books to them before bed.
These are some of our favorites.
Tators favorite is Mama Loves Me. She recieved this book as a gift at her adoption party.
Bubbas favorite is I Stink. We've read this book every night for 5 months straight. I can read it with my eyes closed and so can he.
Busters favorite right now is Down By The Station. His favorite changes alot.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Thank you Hallmark

   "Stupid woman, I'm so mad at you! I'm mad because you didn't take care of me, I'm mad because you left me in my bed and didn't feed me." "I'm mad because you didn't bring me candy and wish me Happy Valentines Day, and I'm mad because you don't love me."

   These are the words my daughter was able to get out during a full blown fit.

   To mom From Tator
   I'm sorry for being mean. Can you forgive me?  (picture of happy face) (picture of sad face) circle what you want me to feel. We will be happy.

   These are the words written at the top of the picture she made for me after her blow-up. At the bottom she had drawn a pretty picture of her and I. Happy, pretty and full of color. Standing beside us she had drawn a dull, ugly women who she had drawn a red circle around and a big red x over. With birthmoms name beside. Beside her she had also drawn a broken heart in a red circle with another big x over it. 

   Why can't we take away their pain?

Friday, February 11, 2011


   I haven't posted anything personal in a while. Things have been pretty busy around here. Tator has been doing better. Her psychiatrist decided to put her on medication for ADHD. She has been tested and doesn't have ADHD, but he says anxiety and ADHD have a lot of the same symptoms, and she defiantly has anxiety, so he thinks this will help her to slow down and be able to think better. We are seeing some improvement. She has many more "better days" now than she used to.
   This morning I was reading a friends blog.Beach Baby Blog) It was about her adopted daughter and how she struggles with anxiety. When I saw her little girl posing for her picture I realized her daughter has the same smile that my daughter has. Or should I say doesn't have. Its that fake smile. The one where she wants to smile, but just can't. We have always had trouble getting her to smile. I've never thought too much about it, just passed it off as her not being photogenic, until now that I've seen my friends picture. I just can't stop thinking about it. When does she ever smile? I just can't seem to think of one thing that really makes her happy. My heart has been so sad today as I've thought about this. As much as I'm trying to help her heal and she's pushing away will I ever see a real, genuine, from the heart, smile?

   This is a picture I took of Tator with her sisters and brother on Superbowl Sunday. She was so excited. We were having a party, Grandma and Grandpa were coming over, she had a Steelers jersey just like her big sister, she helped with all the food, she was having a really good day. But does she look it?

   So all day all I've been able to think about is how I can make that smile real.

   Now I realize Buster isn't smiling either the poor kid wasn't allowed to take a nap so he would go to bed early. He was a little zoned out.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

We Like Wednesday

Wonder what we like?

Welcome to "We like Wednesday" where I'll be posting things one or all of us really like.

We really like hanging out with our family.

My sister-in-law and I on Thanksgiving

My mom and Sister-in-law goofing around.

Tator enjoying some watermelon with grandpa.

Bunny striking a pose with cousins T and R.

Bunny and her Uncle

Thursday, February 3, 2011


     With the ice storm hitting our area we had three snow days in a row. That meant three extra kids home, so we cancelled homeschool too. It gave us a lot of extra family time.
   The big kids spent a lot of time outside snowboarding and sledding on the ice. They also played a lot of video games and board games. We also celebrated Sissy's birthday.

   Even though it wasn't Sissy's party day I decided to bake her a cake. Well, of course I realized I didn't have any icing so I went online and found a recipe. I had all the ingredients so I decided to give it a try. I had to mix a bunch of things together and bring them to a boil. Let it partially cool, then mix it with the mixer. So as I was waiting for it to cool I started to read the reviews on the recipe. As luck would have it, all the reviews said it was a horrible recipe, like a glaze, etc. But if you added powered sugar to the mixture it would thicken up and work ok. Of course, thats just like me to try something without even reading the reviews first. So I went ahead and mixed it like it said to, but it was way to runny so I added powdered sugar. It immediately started to harden like paste. I ended up sticking it on the cake and we ate it anyway. It tasted a lot like fudge, looked horrible, but actually tasted really good. Needless to say, I won't be using that recipe again. Well at least it was only her first birthday and she'll never remember it, and the other kids got a good laugh out of it.  Anyway i'll make it up to her on her party day with her real birthday cake.