Thursday, September 27, 2012

RTC-week 2 and almost 3

Tator continues to do very well and is enjoying her time away. She is very cooperative in therapy and continues to have no problems in school.

There isn't much to report. I emailed the therapist last week asking how family therapy worked, and when we would be starting. She never emailed me back. I emailed her again monday morning asking if we could have a session this weekend. She emailed me back today saying, not this weekend and never mentioned when we would start.

I am having a hard time understanding how we are supposed to work through a lot of our problems in only a few weeks before our funding runs out and she is released.

I got a copy of her assessment in the mail that they did on her when she first got there. There were some new mood disorder diagnoses that I had no idea what they meant. There was no mention of Reactive Attachment Disorder so i'm wondering if they even know what they are dealing with.

When I call and talk to her she has no interest in me. I'm hoping that is just her way of coping, but I wouldn't be surprised if she really doesn't want to be bothered by me. Boy will she be surprised when she is released in a month and is stuck with me. Of course I know, I am going to pay for it. It meaning both, putting her there, and what she will perceive as me making her come home.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Paniced and Frusterated

We have been told sense we started talking about RTC for Tayler that our funding would only be good for 90 days. There was the possibility that we could find funding somewhere else, but there were no guarantee's. Our CMH board also talked with us about the possibility of giving up our parental rights to JFS for the time she is there, because by doing that it will cost the county less and she would be able to stay and get the help she needs. They talked like this was not really a big deal and we would get custody back when she was discharged from RTC. Of course we have never had to deal with anything like this so we have no idea how it works.

We questioned our adoption workers about this and they said it is a bigger deal then they made it sound and it's not that easy to get custody back.

Our CMH worker called yesterday and said that the funding will only cover 69 days instead of 90. I have been in a panic thinking about what will happen in 90 days, now I have to think about 69. No one ever told us 69 days.

We are in a panic and have no idea what to do. In 69 days I feel they will have only scratched the surface of her problems. 90 days would be a stretch.

I am scared I'm not going to be able to get the other kids the help they need before she comes home and takes up every minute I have. I'm still trying to figure them out and how they have been effected through all this. I am scared she will come home and have not worked through some of her issues. Raging and violence being the main ones. I am scared that my PTSD will take over again and I will no longer be able to think straight.

So for right now, I am trying to remember to breathe.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Feeling clueless

Buster is loving going to preschool. He is making new friends and doing a lot of new things. He only goes 2 days a week so he is constantly counting down the days until he can go again.

BUT he is really having a hard time when he comes home in the afternoon. From the time I pick him up, until we can get him into bed at night, he is a mess. He is wound so tight he can't relax and I usually end up sending him out to jump on the trampoline just to get him away from the other kids. He is loud, rough, throwing things, jumping off/on furniture etc..

With Tator being gone there are a lot of things that have become magnified at our house and Busters issues are one of them. He is so sweet and loving and I enjoy him so very much, but all the sudden his switch gets flipped and he goes wild. This is something we have been struggling with for a long time. I always blamed his behavior on what he has grown up seeing from Tator. I always thought if she was not here and I could focus on him his behavior would get better.

From about the time he was 2 I was sure he had Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I would tell him to do something and he would tell me No. It was so tiring fighting with him and I was so exhausted from dealing with Tator that I would just ignore it and go about my way, doing whatever I had told him to do because it was easier than fighting with him. Yep, I know, horrible parenting mistake.

Now that I have more time to fight with devote to the other kids, and energy determination to get it right with them, I am following through and things are changing. And I have to say for the most part things are getting better in that area, but i still have concerns.

Along with the total over stimulation that he is going through after school we deal with things like, total fear of loud things, from the sweeper to the mixer, getting completely out of control in stores. I've noticed that if I raise my voice to him or one of the other kids he will laugh hysterically, or yell and start to go crazy. He does best when you talk softly to him and redirect him somewhere else.

I have been struggling with this for a few weeks now not sure if this is a behavior thing that he can control or something else. He has been the one that has been impacted the most by Tators behavior, he has grown up watching it and sometimes was the one who took the punches. I can't imagine what that has been like for him. I know that nature verses nurture could override on this one and the aggressive strand of DNA he has from his birth family could play a big part in this. So could this be a behavior thing or could it be an overstimulated sensory thing? I'm not sure I don't know that much about sensory disorder.

Anyone have any ideas or suggestions? I would love to hear them. I feel totally clueless on this.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

RTC-one week

I talked to Tator a couple times this week. She is doing good. When I call, I talk to one of the house staff first. Both times I have asked them how she is doing and both times they said really well. The second time they even said she likes it here. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I mean is that a good thing, that she LIKE it there. I don't want it to be miserable for her but really.

I was very upset after the first phone call. I know she said the things she did to upset me. Things like so and so went to Kohl*s and bought me new clothes (I had just bought her clothes from Goodwill and she had commented on that when I gave them to her) they even bought me spongeb*b pj's (she knows I hate sb) and I have them on right now. So and so is going to take me and one other girl to Chuckie Chee*ses for my birthday. (that is where she asked us to take her) There were many other things like this that she said ending with, after about 5 minutes of talking, are you ready to go now because I am.
I was upset, but I didn't let her know that.

The 2nd time she was very distracted and busy shoving cookies in her mouth as I talked to her to really pay attention to me. I would ask her questions and she didn't answer or say an answer that had anything to do with the question so I finally just told her maybe she should do the talking because she certainly wasn't paying attention to me. Then she had no problem talking and telling me about all the fun things she was doing there. When we were done talking I told her I loved her and she said Bye and hung up.

I emailed with her therapist and teacher this week. The therapist said she saw her a couple times this week. She said she was very cooperative and is very respectful to the staff. I'm not surprised.

The teacher said she was tested this week and she is at the beginning of a 2nd grade reading level. Which surprised me because she is starting 3 grade and I thought she was a very good reader. She also said there were a few very minor problems with her paying attention and trying to make things about her. This didn't surprise me because this was a complaint her teacher last year had. But I think for the most part he just let it go, she never had a consequence for it.

I think if this is a minor problem already, it will soon become a big problem.

Friday, September 14, 2012

A day of firsts.......(a couple weeks late)

Duckie had his first day of a new job.
He decided not to go back to school this fall
because he wasn't sure he wanted to stick with his 
accounting major. Then got hired as a full time
teller in a bank.

Buc's first day of 9th grade.

Bunny's first day of 6 grade. Still homeschooling.

Bubba's first day of 1st grade,

and not happy about getting back into the swing of things.
He's also still homeschooling.

Buster's first day of preschool. 

This is definitely not Sissy's first day of being cute.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Labor Day Weekend

I haven't had a lot of time to work on my blog lately, well actually for
 a very long time, but I'm hoping to get better at it.
Here are some things we did over Labor Day weekend.

The boys did a lot of fishing in our pond.
Bubbas caught the biggest fish out of it so far.
17 inches

We went to a picnic and Buster caught his very first fish.
He had never caught one in our pond.
He was pretty happy.

I bought a new rug for our kitchen, so Duckie and Sissy thought
they should wrestle around on it.

Duckie turned 19.

Buc turned 15.
Six months and he can get his permit.

Took some pictures and goofed around.

Enjoyed spending time with grandparents.

Some of us did more goofing around than others.

On Sunday afternoon Buster was supposed to be taking a nap.
All of the sudden we heard him crying, when we went to his
room he said he had shoved a toothpick up his nose.
Once we got him calmed down he told us it was just
a little piece and we couldn't see it.
We pieced all these pieces together that we found in his bed.
No, we don't usually let him have toothpicks expecally
in his room. He had gotten them a church with a craft
they were making and had them in his pocket.
We now do a pocket check on him before naptime.
With Buster there is never a dull moment.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Mixed emotions

Friday was a day of many emotions for me. We checked Tator into a Residential Treatment Center. When I got home that night and got everyone settled into bed I logged on to the computer and there was my whole trauma momma community asking me how it had went. It felt so good to know they were all thinking about me.

Some of them had said that today would be a day of many emotions and they were so right. I never had though about it until then.

The car ride up was full of anxiety and frustration for me. Anxiety because Tator has a lot of issues in the car, I don't think I have went into it a lot on here, but having her in the car has taken my PTSD to whole nother level. She was fine on the way up, talked and was in a good mood. But every time she was quiet and I would try to relax I could hear her moving around and It would make me nervous, wondering if she was getting out of her seat. Shawn had taken the afternoon off to go with us so I felt somewhat better, but I was still nervous.

I was also feeling very frustrated. Forgive me because this will sound very selfish, but I could think of a million other things I wanted and needed to be doing. I was frustrated with the fact that I had to inconvenience 2 other moms to keep my kids for the day so we could do this. I was also very upset with myself because I was feeling very pessimistic about the whole thing. I really feel like Tator will do very well in the treatment center and thrive on the structure there. I think she could adjust to the way of life there very easy and have no desire to come home. With that being said we also realize we are at a point where we have no other choice as to what to do with her. She is not safe in our home right now and she is not welcome here until she is. It is not fair to the other kids. Anyway she will be getting a lot of therapy there so i'm hoping that helps her and she does want to come back and be part of our family.

When we got there the first person we met with was the intake worker. She introduced herself and shook our hand looking right at Tator and saying "you are so adorable." There again more frustration. As we filled out the paperwork and answered questions they gave Tator a doll and blanket. I was glad. Tator doesn't have anything that is special to her at home and being a foster mom for many years i'm used to that being the first thing that happens when the kids comes into care. So I figured it was what they do with all the kids that are admitted.

As the process when on and we met with her teacher and nurse she started to regress and act like a baby. Taking the doll and blanket and cuddling them to her face. Looking with such sad eyes. I realize she was very unsure of what was going to happen, but I wanted to puke. Everyone kept looking at her and Ahhing over her. Come on, really???? Have you not seen this 100 times with these kids. If this was really her, would we be here??? Would you be doing the paperwork/vitals to have her admitted into a residential treatment center????? I wanted to run out of that place so bad. I was so angry.

Then we went over to what they told her would be her "cottage." Ok, now she is not totally deprived of the outside world, she knows what a cottage is supposed to look like and that was not it at all. The house had ugly colored walls and absolutely nothing on them. The table and chairs were bolted to the floor. And there was only a couple pieces of very large furniture. My first thought thought was, well she definitely won't be able to shove these chairs and table around like she did at our house. There were about 7 staff standing around and one of them looked right at us as we walked in and said "oh, she doesn't belong here." As I mumbled to her "don't let her fool you" I was thinking the same thing. What had I done??? There were a number of girls sitting around, just kinda stared at her. I couldn't stop wondering what they were thinking as they checked out my very small, beautiful big blue eyed 8 year old daughter. As we toured the upstairs, which was just plain bathrooms and bedrooms, a girl was raging in her bedroom as a staff worker sat in her doorway reading a magazine. It made me think of all the times I sat in the doorway reading as Tator raged in her room, just like this girl was doing.

The smell of the house was just like Tator's bedroom at home and I knew I had to get out of there. I wanted to cry, it was horrible. This was not a cottage. Why would they tell her that? I knew it would be very different but it wasn't what I had expected and I had wished they would have know what these places were really like. But I had no way of knowing, I had never been to a place like that. No wonder Tators old attachment therapist used to tell us it was too bad we couldn't take her for a tour of one of those places.

The part of  me that wanted to rip her out of that place and take her back home with us, knew this was where she belonged. For right now anyway. She had to stay, she needed the help they can give her.

When we came back downstairs she came out of the room she had been in and she just clung to us. We went and sat down at one of the tables and said to her again, "you understand why your here?" She said she did and we talked about what we were all going to do so she could come back home.

It was all I could do to get out of there without busting into tears as she walked to the door with us, not listening as we kept telling her she was staying. Until finally a staff worker moved over in front of her so we could move passed her to leave.

I cried all the way home. Not wanting to admit that she needed to be there. A child with her behaviors, no matter how old, needs to be in a place like that.

I hope she accepts help this time. I hope she wants to be part of our family enough that she works through her stuff so she can come home. But only she can do that and no one can make her. Her length of stay there will be up to her and only her. We have tried and after this I don't know what else we can do.