Sunday, May 27, 2012

Another reason why I hate RAD.

Last night was Bucs last regular season baseball game. They won 2 to 1. It was a very good game. A nail bitter til the end. It may very easily have been his last baseball game ever. (other than tournaments next week)  He may not make the high school team or choose to even try out.

I did not sit with the rest of the parents and watch, cheering on the team or my son. I did not sit with my mom or my husband and eat pizza or hold baby Coco.

I sat on a bank behind the ball field restraining my 8 year old daughter while trying to talk her out of running over the bank into a five lane very busy road as she told me how much she wanted to kill herself. I tried to walk with her knowing that that would be what could get her regulated again, but she refused. Making her legs like spaghetti and laying on the ground. Although they could very quickly turn strong again when she decided to kick me or if I would let loose of her for a minute and she would run for the road.

I was very proud of my other children as we road home in the car and she yelled hateful things and talked with a potty mouth. Me, thanking God the whole way home she doesn't know any real bad words yet. They kept themselves together and didn't yell back or talk the way their sister was.

I've kept it together myself, I've not cried or thought about what would have happened if she made it to the road. I even was able to keep it together this morning as she was in her room screaming her lungs out and kicking her door. When my 7 year old son came up to me and said "I just want a new sister."

Oh I forgot to add that the I'm going to kill myself rage at the ballgame was because when I got her, Sissy and Buster up from naptime we quick jumped in the car to get Buc to his ballgame, run into the store, then get pizza to take to the ballgame and eat. I never thought about a snack. Of course neither did the 2 and 4 year old.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

What is normal?

A friend said something to me a couple days ago that I have been thinking about ever since. She walked up to me as I sitting by my van as Tator was having one of her episodes. I was feeling embarrassed, stupid and really out of place.

She said "I've come to realize everyones normal is different. What might be normal for one family may not be normal for another family. And that's ok."

That has stuck with me because I feel like our family is so different. I'll never forget one time Bunny had a friend over and Tator was having a really bad weekend. When the friend left I remember just crying and thinking she will never come back. It was a very normal weekend to us, but i'm sure it wasn't to the friend.

Our family is very different. My kids know how cruel and abusive adults can be to kids and I wish they didn't. They know things about mental illness that their friends would never understand. The things we talk about you probably wouldn't want your kids to know, but it is very normal to mine.

My 3 oldest kids know when I give them a look they are to take their younger siblings to another room because one of their siblings is about to explode. They have witnessed things their friends never have. This is a very normal thing in my house.

I hate you and shut up are things I never remember hearing as a child, but mine hear it way more then they should. It is not right, but it has become normal to them.

It may appear abnormal to you that one of my children are not allowed to play with their siblings or other children without supervision, because there are way to many trust issues.
Or why one of my children is always very close to me because when they get very far from me in public places she get disregulated and has a hard time getting regulated again.

When you go to bed tonight I can guarantee you will not be thinking up a mental list of school related things that you can give your child to do all morning the next day just to keep them regulated enough that they can make it to lunch without a major blow-up.
There are many things about my family that are not your normal and when I think about all the normals to us, but abnormals to you it is overwhelming to me.

One of the things I have learned from adopting and parenting children who have experienced trauma is Never judge anyones parenting! Every family has to operate different because every family has different needs and different circumstances.

My family does not operate like your family. Our normal is not your normal. And that's ok!

Thanks J. your words have stuck with me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

finally....a house update

Living room before paint.

After paint.

After the fireplace had been painted.


Lights and cupboards in.

This is one of my favorite things. We cut a hole in
the wall so we could stock my pantry/cupboard from the
back. These doors are in my hallway behind the kitchen.

Bunny looking through.

My upstairs hallway.
 I took this picture from in the end room, which will be a big rec room. The first doorway to the right is a library. Then going down that side of the hallway is the steps going downstairs, Sissy and Coco's room, our bathroom, our bedroom. At the end of the hall is the big boys room. Shawn and Bunny are standing in the doorway, but I don't think you can see them.

Then across from the library is Bunny's room, then little boys, then kids bathroom, then Tator's room, then laundry room.

It is starting to become a reality. We will be living there soon.

Monday, May 14, 2012



Last week I made a very hard decision. A decision I had been thinking and struggling with for a couple weeks.

See Tator has a very hard time with school ending. The unknown is very scary to her. Knowing she will not be getting up every morning at the same time and getting on the school bus causes her a lot of anxiety. She likes things to happen at the same time and order every day.

When school work starts to wind down at school and the kids are having more free time than structure it also upsets her. She does very well in school academically, but socially she has a lot of problems. So when their not sitting at a desk working and are spending most of their time having free time this is hard for her.

Although Tators raging, temper, and attitude has been a lot better at home she has started some new behaviors. Some behaviors that are very normal for kids with RAD, but not ones we have dealt with before and I was very concerned with what was going on inside her.

Stealing had become a very big problem for her at school and she had lost the privilege of being able to go with them on a class field trip. Therefore she was going to have to stay home from school that day. I talked with her psychiatrist and he agreed that I should pull her out of school early to help minimize the stress. So last week the day she was not allowed to go on the trip I kept her home and she hasn't went back. I had talked to the principle and he understood and had been working with us on what is best for her.

I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not. She did very well last week, but we had a lot of homeschool activities planned so we were very active. I know that this week as i'm wrapping up school with Bunny and Bubbas I will just be starting doing homeschool things with her. That is what I will need to do with her to keep her sane for the summer. The last 2 summers she has been in daycare to help her summers stay very consistent, but this year daycare is not an option.

I pray I made the right decision and that this week goes well.