Feelings

   I haven't been around lately because I've been trying to deal with some of my own stuff. I am full of a lot of feelings right now, but none I'm really sure how to share. Feelings I can't really describe.
  
   Living with my little Radish right now is becoming hard on me in a way I can't describe. Things haven't really changed in any way. She hasn't gotten any worse, but she certainly hasn't gotten any better and that's the hard part. I'm finding it very hard to be therapeutic right now because I'm so discouraged.

   Last weeks therapy was probably the worst session we've ever had. She came right out and told her therapist she didn't know when she'd ever "join the family" and that has played in my head like a broken record all week long. I also hear her therapist telling me"she's alot sicker than we thought."  How can those two little things haunt me so badly?

   I love my daughter so much, and every day as I rock her my heart breaks for her. I see her pain when she looks at me and I understand the whole not trusting me thing, but it doesn't make this any easier. Five and a half years I have been here for her and she still doesn't trust me.

   Five months ago we started therapy and still no changes. I was expecting to see a little change in her by now, but it's just not there.

   I've become selfish and I've made her healing about me. Me wanting to see changes. Me wanting her to accept us as her family. Me wanting to see her start to trust us. But I need to see it through her eyes. Why should she trust me? The last mommy she trusted hurt her, let other people hurt her, and then left and has never come back.

   So I guess some of my feelings are hurt, anger, loneliness, fear, frustration, guilt, helplessness, hate, discouragement and selfishness. I feel all these feelings at different times in different ways. Those feelings are what my daughter feels at the same time all the time. So when I think about it through her eyes with all those feelings going on inside her little seven year old head, no wonder it's so hard for her to trust.

   I will once again pray that God helps me through this. That he helps my daughter through this. That he helps me to get out of Me mode and see things through her eyes. Who knows maybe then I'll see that little change I've been looking for.