Wednesday, August 8, 2012

5 weeks

In the last 5 weeks Tator has only been here 4 days. The 4 days she was here were after the first week. It was when she had come home from camp.

The week she was at camp we all breathed easier and enjoyed the peace. I knew something was going to change with her. I knew things couldn't go on like they had been, it was taking too big of a toll on our family. My littles were suffering, as well as her, and I could not watch it go on. I needed to find my voice, a voice that has been hidden too long.

Our community mental health board was helping us come up with a "safety plan" but to me it was not happening fast enough. Things were getting too out of control, so I really started to push.

After her being gone the first week at camp the plan was for her to be home the next week with us, then I had someone that had offered to do respite for her while we moved so she was going to go there that weekend and stay until we were moved and settled in. I also thought by then we would have a safety plan in place so when she came home and she got out of control we would have back up.

That didn't work as I had hoped. She came home from camp on a Saturday morning with the flu, which pretty well knocked her out for the weekend. Then on Monday I could tell she still wasn't herself, but did fairly well at holding it together. Then Tuesday came and we had an appointment for Buc. To make a long story short, It did not end well and we were left 45 minutes from home. Me standing beside the car in a parking lot with Buc and Bunny trying to calm down all 4 littles in a locked car while they watched Tator hit, kick, scratch and bit me. When I tried to call for help she would hit the phone out of my hands and it would go flying across the parking lot.

That day I know this could no longer go on. I could not do it anymore. She had to get help. We had to get help. The emotional damage this was doing to the littles and myself was way too much.

The next day she went to the respite providers. While she was playing, swimming, and having a good time, I started to pick up the pieces here at home. Like I mentioned before we started family therapy, Bubbas and Buster and going the most. They both have some issues that really need to be worked on. They think violence is acceptable and ok and that creates a big problem. I am spending more time holding, rocking and reading with them. Trying to repair some of the damage and feelings they are having.

The community health board is looking for a therapeutic foster home for Tator. She will stay there and get the therapy she needs to learn how to deal with her emotions and learn cooping skills as to what to do when she is upset. These are things we have all worked on before. I'm not sure how this time will be different, but I want to be positive. I'm trying. Her violent behaviors make the other RAD behaviors feel like a walk in the park. I can deal with the behaviors, but not the violence. I'm tired of being a punching bag!

She is doing good. There have been no problems in respite. 4 weeks in that home and the honeymoon should be over. She should be showing some behaviors, but as the respite provider said " her level of self control is amazing." I always knew that.

I am feeling a lot of feelings. Anger, because she chooses to act this way in our home. She choose to let fear take over every time she felt love. Guilt, for way too many ways reasons to list right now. Peace, because everyone is doing well and the chaos she brings is gone. Sadness, overwhelming sadness for her that is hurts her way too much to bond with us. It's just way to easy to push us away. Fear, of the unknown and how this might play out. And last but not least, failure. I know I did not do this to my daughter. Someone else did, that person that gave birth to her and was supposed to love, care for, and protect her didn't. I now I am paying for her sins. But after 6.5 years I couldn't help her heal. I couldn't help her be the person I totally believe she can be. Failure because, I like so many other adoptive moms, thought love was going to be enough.

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