She's Back

Tator made it home last night at about 9:30pm. She can in with 5 large boxes of clothes and a large black trash bag full of stuff. I have not went through them yet. We did dig through them enough to realize her sleeping pills were not there. I called the house she had been staying in and they said we were supposed to pick them up at the clinic before we left. That would have been a nice thing for them to tell Shawn before he left with her. He didn't even think about it. He said he was too busy trying to figure out how her was going to fit all her stuff in the van.

Shawn talked with her on the way home about the camp. She asked a lot of questions. She acted like she is really not sure she wants to go. Very early this morning she picked up right where she left off 4.5 months ago. No violence, just game play, testing us, showing us life is still all about her. She will have to go to camp, she is not ready to be here.

The past couple days I have had a lot of anxiety about us taking her to this camp. My concern is the travel time that is involved. I have no idea how this is going to work. Child care for the other kids is going to be a big issue and none of the time we are going to be on the road is over the weekend. So I am not going to be able to depend on my husband for child care or drive time. I keep asking him how we are going to do this and all he says is, it will have to work.

One of my children is not capable of riding in the car for 18 hours. He just can not handle it. I'm not even sure that Tator can handle it.

I'm also concerned about the financial strain this will cause on us. Because of pick up/drop off times I will almost have to stay over night there when I go down to pick her up then again to drop her off after her 4 day home stay.

I am trying to have faith that God will work it all out. I feel he has brought us to this camp and this is his will. I'm just having a hard time trusting him right now.

Tick Tock

A couple days ago I told my fellow trauma mamas all I could hear in my head was the sound of a clock ticking. But the more I thought about it the more I realized it sounded more like the sound of a fuse on a bomb becoming shorter and shorter.

I have prayed nonstop. I have asked you to pray and we have felt your prayers.

Today we went to see an attorney. We asked him a lot of questions. From what happens if we give the agency temporary custody to what happens if we throw in the towel and give them permanent custody. And many other things that have to do with insurance and different ways to keep her in the residential longer.

A couple months ago a friend told me about a camp a few states away that works with troubled kids. It's a Christian girls camp that lasts anywhere from 16 to 22 months. Their main focus is teaching the girls respect, getting along with peers, life skills, etc. They said they thought they could help Tator. She has 3 out of 4 of the diagnoses that were listed on the camps site. They have had luck with some if the girls who have come with attachment issues. Some they could not help. I don't believe this will help her attachment to me, but since our last therapy session I have been trying to figure out a way that we can live together weather she is attached to me or not.

I sent in the registration forms last week and called the director again on Monday asking him if he thought she could get in he said they were having a meeting on Tuesday. I should call back Tuesday afternoon.

After we left the attorneys office I knew this was the only choice we had to keep custody of our daughter. I dropped Shawn at his truck and called them. Holding my breath the whole time.

She has been excepted and can go the Monday after Thanksgiving. We are pretty sure we can afford it. Because we have such a large family it will only cost us about 100 dollars more than our subsidy that we get monthly for her. Our main concern is the drive time. The camp is a few states away. A nine hour drive one way. We will have to drive down every 6 weeks and get her for a 4 day home stay. 36 hours is a long time to be driving in a 4 day weekend with 4 little kids. Not to mention Tators road rage that I'm sure has not disappeared.

We are committed to trying this one last thing. I talked with a lady last night who used to drive 12 hours one way to get there. She said it was well worth it. Her daughter left her home as a very disturbed 10 year old and came back almost 2 years later as a totally different child. 

This weekend we will drive 2 hours south to pick her up from res. then 2 hours home. To then drive 9 hours south, spend 2-3 hours checking out the camp. Then turn around and drive another 9 hours back.

The camp says she has to be willing to come there. They are big on that, she has to feel like it was her choice. Now we just have to pray she is willing to go. I have no idea how she is going to take to living in the wilderness. Expecaly with winter right around the corner. I'm really hoping that she agrees.

If not this might be the point in which the fuse reaches the end and everything explodes.

I'm sorry I have not been able to keep you updated here. I know there are some of you who coming here because you are following what are family is going through and I have done a very poor job at keeping you updated. Sorry.

I am still struggling. Last weekend we had another therapy session with Tator. Shawn and I had separate sessions with her because we took all the kids with us this time. Tator's birthday was the week before and she wanted to go to chuckie cheeses. We wanted to celebrate her, like we do all the other kids.

So to spare you the long story, therapy did not go well. I went first with Tator, then Shawn. Both sessions Tator opened up and cried, true to her feelings, and honest. The problem was she was totally honest in telling us there was no room for me in her life. Some room for Shawn, but not me. She wants her birth mom and always will. She is stuck. Stuck big time and the therapists aren't even sure how to help her out of the fantasy that she has created about her birth family and her being with them.

 I was hurt. Crushed. It was not her anger talking, it was her being more honest than I have ever seen her. There was another conversation with her where I remember her being this honest and It was when she asked me to find her another family. I know her well enough to tell the difference between her true feelings and her need for control. These were true feelings.

You know how people say their heart is broken. I always thought that was just a saying, your heart couldn't really hurt or feel broken. Well it can, I discovered that about a year ago, and that's how it feels now.

We did go to chuckie cheeses after therapy and I did manage to hold it together until the drive home, but it has been a hard week. It wasn't until Thursday that I started to feel like I could function again. I still haven't been able to make it through a day without loosing it and just needing to sit down and cry.

I know she struggles. I know she is hurting. Believe me I know. I have been the one holding her hand (well attemting to) and trying to help her through this for 7 years. 7 years! To see her open up and be so honest about something I have always known she felt. She still believes her coming into foster care was my fault and I stole her from her birth mom.

I have felt a lot of emotions this week. Starting with wanting to give up. Feeling as though I have hit rock bottom and I can do longer do this. I know longer have the energy. I am still there, but am trying to find a way to make this work.

In 4 days the money runs out. We will have 3 choices. Sign her out and bring her home, leave her there and start to run up a tab we will be paying for for a very long time, or give JFS temporary custody of her and start a case plan.

My energy is truly gone. I am so disappointed in our system and so frustrated that in our area there are no other choices. No other help. If we want to keep custody of our daughter, we are basically alone to do it.

Shawn and I are weighing all our options, praying and talking a lot of things through. We are searching for guidance from God.

Please pray for our family this week as we make decisions that could effect us for the rest of our lives.