Sunday, November 11, 2012
I'm sorry I have not been able to keep you updated here. I know there are some of you who coming here because you are following what are family is going through and I have done a very poor job at keeping you updated. Sorry.
I am still struggling. Last weekend we had another therapy session with Tator. Shawn and I had separate sessions with her because we took all the kids with us this time. Tator's birthday was the week before and she wanted to go to chuckie cheeses. We wanted to celebrate her, like we do all the other kids.
So to spare you the long story, therapy did not go well. I went first with Tator, then Shawn. Both sessions Tator opened up and cried, true to her feelings, and honest. The problem was she was totally honest in telling us there was no room for me in her life. Some room for Shawn, but not me. She wants her birth mom and always will. She is stuck. Stuck big time and the therapists aren't even sure how to help her out of the fantasy that she has created about her birth family and her being with them.
I was hurt. Crushed. It was not her anger talking, it was her being more honest than I have ever seen her. There was another conversation with her where I remember her being this honest and It was when she asked me to find her another family. I know her well enough to tell the difference between her true feelings and her need for control. These were true feelings.
You know how people say their heart is broken. I always thought that was just a saying, your heart couldn't really hurt or feel broken. Well it can, I discovered that about a year ago, and that's how it feels now.
We did go to chuckie cheeses after therapy and I did manage to hold it together until the drive home, but it has been a hard week. It wasn't until Thursday that I started to feel like I could function again. I still haven't been able to make it through a day without loosing it and just needing to sit down and cry.
I know she struggles. I know she is hurting. Believe me I know. I have been the one holding her hand (well attemting to) and trying to help her through this for 7 years. 7 years! To see her open up and be so honest about something I have always known she felt. She still believes her coming into foster care was my fault and I stole her from her birth mom.
I have felt a lot of emotions this week. Starting with wanting to give up. Feeling as though I have hit rock bottom and I can do longer do this. I know longer have the energy. I am still there, but am trying to find a way to make this work.
In 4 days the money runs out. We will have 3 choices. Sign her out and bring her home, leave her there and start to run up a tab we will be paying for for a very long time, or give JFS temporary custody of her and start a case plan.
My energy is truly gone. I am so disappointed in our system and so frustrated that in our area there are no other choices. No other help. If we want to keep custody of our daughter, we are basically alone to do it.
Shawn and I are weighing all our options, praying and talking a lot of things through. We are searching for guidance from God.
Please pray for our family this week as we make decisions that could effect us for the rest of our lives.