Monday, July 16, 2012

Where do we go from here???????

So much has been going on around here I don't know where to start. So I'm just going to start with right now and go from there.

As said before Tator is not doing well. The only real reason that I can see for it right now is that she is with people (me expecally) she doesn't like all day long. She has chosen to turn into a very scary person to my littles, and a very mean person to the older kids. When I say "chosen" I truly mean she has made the decision to be this way. I totally get that her RAD and PTSD take over and she loses control, but there is also a part where she can stop and make a conscious decision as which way to go. I have seen it happen. For the most part she is choosing to be the person she is right now.

She went to camp a couple weeks ago and did fine. Had a great time and was the best kid in her group, as said by her counselor. She came home and picked up right where she left off.

Her behavior was mean, she intentionally hurt Bunny and Bubbas and intentionally scared Buster and Sissy. It was not the first time, she has done this many times before. It happened in the car, (a very big habit for her) 45 minutes from home, which left a 4 year old little boy to shake in fear for a very long ride home. Even though we pulled over twice and took all safety precautions, he was still left scared and shaking when we got all the way home. That is something that will play in my mind for a very long time. It has left me feeling scared and afraid to every put her in the car again. This has happened too many times.

Right now my head is still spinning so I'm not going into all the details, but after talking with her about this and her reasoning behind this behavior and many others, all she has to say is how bad she hates all of us and is mad because we won't give her another family. As if we can just give her away or that that will fix the hurt she is feeling inside. She doesn't believe in forever families or that she is here to stay. After 6.5 years and all the work I have put into her she says, and I quote "I'm the only one that can change and I'm not going to do it. No matter what you do I'm not going to change. I don't want to."

What do you do with that? Well, I'll tell you what I'm doing with it. I'm playing those words over and over in my head like a broken record because I can't seem to erase them from my mind. I'm not sleeping at night, because I'm trying to figure out what to do next. Does she really mean these words? Yea, I think she does. She has said them many times before. And her actions show them. She is very hurt and broken inside because of the sins of her birth mother. A mother that she holds onto everyday while punishing me for the hurt and lost she feels.

Tator is in respite right now and we are waiting to meet again with our mental health board to figure out what to do next. I don't want to bring her home until we have a safety plan in place. I don't think it's fair to the other kids to put them through this everyday, but I also don't know how long it will take to come up with a plan. I don't even know what that plan would be.

So right now as she's off at respite having the time of her life and being the best little girl she can be, I'm here picking up the pieces. I'm pouring so much love into my little ones love cups and helping them to coupe with what has happened to them over the years and helping them feel safe. I'm seeing little changes in them everyday.

Me, well I lay awake feeling so many feelings I don't want to list them all. I have so many thoughts in my head I don't know where to start. But most of all, I'm hurt and hurting for a little girl that has been soooooo hurt that she is too scared to ever let anyone love her again.

So what it all boils down to is, Where do we go from here????

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