Thursday, December 6, 2012

My decision

A few days ago I finished writing a post, that I never published, about how wore out I was with RAD and Tator. How tired of this life I was and dealing with her and everything that came along with it. Even though she had not been here for 4.5 months we had still been dealing with her and the the things that came with it.

 Over the week of Thanksgiving she proved she still wanted nothing to do with me or our family and nothing was going to change that. It felt hopeless. The time away from us did nothing for her.

We did go and check out the camp, Shawn and I fell in love with it and thought It could really help her. But we also knew she has to want to work at learning how to get along in a family for those changes to come.
Last week I was in a very low place. I had become overtaken with anxiety and depression about how my life had not turned out like I wanted it too and that I wanted one big fat do-over. I cried at the drop of a hat. I would look at my kids and want so bad to be the mom they deserved, but couldn't and felt like I never had been. Putting one foot in front of the other became a major task for me.
I have been mad at my husband for a while now. I felt that as the head of our house he should stand up and say enough is enough. Make  the decision for our family that we needed to make other arrangements for her. We have done enough. I felt he should see what I go through everyday with the other kids, what I've already been through with her, and realize I can't take on anymore. I felt he should accept the fact that Tator does not want to be in our family and let her go. Stop the fighting. Let's give her what she wants. She's done, I'm done, why go on living like this. Why put ourselves through taking her to this camp and making all these changes for the next couple years.
When I shared this with him he was adamant that her thinks this is going to work and that we need to stick to the plan of sending her there. He knew I was done and that he would take on all the responsibility of it.
Yesterday I had therapy and was sharing all this with my therapist. I was telling her how upset I felt because he didn't stand up and say we're done. I didn't understand why he wanted to put our family through this and continue on with the plan. It was going to be a big strain on our family in many ways. Then she said to me something I had not realized. She said, but he did make the decision, just not the one you wanted." He made the decision to hang in there, keep trying, and figure out how we could make this work.
This week I am doing much better. I realize my husbands heart and how I have to stand by him. As I sit on my couch with my 4 littles playing at my feet I realize how blessed I truly am and that God is still working on me. He has come through in ways I have never imagined. Here a new friend of mine grew up in the same town the camp is at and her mom has room for us to stay at her house so we don't have to drive straight through or pay for a hotel when we go get her for home stays. People have offered to by clothes or pay for gas. Things I never saw coming.
So this morning as I sit here feeling totally blessed and knowing God is going to take care of it all, I have to have peace in the fact that God is in control. This, by no means was my plan. I wanted that perfect family and life to run smooth. I never dreamt in that family I would have children with special need, let alone a child that for 7 years would work against me and fight our love. When we started down this foster/adoption road I flat out told God I would not have a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Ha, don't do that, I imagine God chuckling at me everyday.
I do want to start blogging more about the other kids and not RAD as much. The last 4.5 months that she's been gone have made me see who I am and who I want to be. I'm getting therapy and learning to like myself more and more. The kids are all growing and maturing and I'm learning more and more about each of them everyday. I now can think, I no longer walk around with my head in a fog, feeling like PTSD had taken over me and my mind.
While Tator is gone I will focus on me and what the other kids need. We will become healthier and stronger as a family. We will continue to pray that she makes the choice to change and want to be with us. I will not carry the burden of her decisions or the stress of trying to figure out how we are going to make all the travel arrangements work on my shoulders everyday. I am going to let God take care of that for me.


  1. Beautifully written, Chandra. I have been there and the despair is overwhelming. Yet as I write this I know how much my two youngest have healed when I thought it was impossible. We serve a God whose dreams are bigger than ours. One foot in front of the other is just fine. Love 'ya, my friend!

  2. I just want to say that I don't know you, but I come to this blog over and over because I can read between the lines and see that you are exactly the type of mom I want to be. You have fought so hard for your family and I'm praying that this camp is everything Tator and you needs; and I'm also praying that if it's not, God will open doors for her that allow you to have peace in your heart. Hang in there!!!!!!!!!

  3. BTDT. I have been so done with different kids at different times! In some cases, I literally gave hubby the choice "Child X or me." But we each have our own process, and in other cases we found ways to let him work through his process w/o violating my boundaries so much. In one case, that actually meant hubby lived elsewhere with one son for a couple of months, then arranged for same son to live with grandparents. Eventually, said son violated hubby's boundaries and trust enough that he tightened and strengthened his boundaries as well.

    Because I did the "Child X or me" thing (really in relation to allowing them to continue living at home), I've also had to back off and go along with other forms of support later on for some of them - again, so hubby could complete his process as well.

    In any case, we both learned and grew from the experiences, and while half of 'em still can't live with us, we're both on reasonably good terms with all of them.