Another reason why I hate RAD.

Last night was Bucs last regular season baseball game. They won 2 to 1. It was a very good game. A nail bitter til the end. It may very easily have been his last baseball game ever. (other than tournaments next week)  He may not make the high school team or choose to even try out.

I did not sit with the rest of the parents and watch, cheering on the team or my son. I did not sit with my mom or my husband and eat pizza or hold baby Coco.

I sat on a bank behind the ball field restraining my 8 year old daughter while trying to talk her out of running over the bank into a five lane very busy road as she told me how much she wanted to kill herself. I tried to walk with her knowing that that would be what could get her regulated again, but she refused. Making her legs like spaghetti and laying on the ground. Although they could very quickly turn strong again when she decided to kick me or if I would let loose of her for a minute and she would run for the road.

I was very proud of my other children as we road home in the car and she yelled hateful things and talked with a potty mouth. Me, thanking God the whole way home she doesn't know any real bad words yet. They kept themselves together and didn't yell back or talk the way their sister was.

I've kept it together myself, I've not cried or thought about what would have happened if she made it to the road. I even was able to keep it together this morning as she was in her room screaming her lungs out and kicking her door. When my 7 year old son came up to me and said "I just want a new sister."

Oh I forgot to add that the I'm going to kill myself rage at the ballgame was because when I got her, Sissy and Buster up from naptime we quick jumped in the car to get Buc to his ballgame, run into the store, then get pizza to take to the ballgame and eat. I never thought about a snack. Of course neither did the 2 and 4 year old.

My guys



What is normal?

A friend said something to me a couple days ago that I have been thinking about ever since. She walked up to me as I sitting by my van as Tator was having one of her episodes. I was feeling embarrassed, stupid and really out of place.

She said "I've come to realize everyones normal is different. What might be normal for one family may not be normal for another family. And that's ok."

That has stuck with me because I feel like our family is so different. I'll never forget one time Bunny had a friend over and Tator was having a really bad weekend. When the friend left I remember just crying and thinking she will never come back. It was a very normal weekend to us, but i'm sure it wasn't to the friend.

Our family is very different. My kids know how cruel and abusive adults can be to kids and I wish they didn't. They know things about mental illness that their friends would never understand. The things we talk about you probably wouldn't want your kids to know, but it is very normal to mine.

My 3 oldest kids know when I give them a look they are to take their younger siblings to another room because one of their siblings is about to explode. They have witnessed things their friends never have. This is a very normal thing in my house.

I hate you and shut up are things I never remember hearing as a child, but mine hear it way more then they should. It is not right, but it has become normal to them.

It may appear abnormal to you that one of my children are not allowed to play with their siblings or other children without supervision, because there are way to many trust issues.
Or why one of my children is always very close to me because when they get very far from me in public places she get disregulated and has a hard time getting regulated again.

When you go to bed tonight I can guarantee you will not be thinking up a mental list of school related things that you can give your child to do all morning the next day just to keep them regulated enough that they can make it to lunch without a major blow-up.
There are many things about my family that are not your normal and when I think about all the normals to us, but abnormals to you it is overwhelming to me.

One of the things I have learned from adopting and parenting children who have experienced trauma is Never judge anyones parenting! Every family has to operate different because every family has different needs and different circumstances.

My family does not operate like your family. Our normal is not your normal. And that's ok!

Thanks J. your words have stuck with me.

finally....a house update

Living room before paint.

After paint.

After the fireplace had been painted.

Kitchen

Lights and cupboards in.

This is one of my favorite things. We cut a hole in

the wall so we could stock my pantry/cupboard from the

back. These doors are in my hallway behind the kitchen.



Bunny looking through.

My upstairs hallway.

 I took this picture from in the end room, which will be a big rec room. The first doorway to the right is a library. Then going down that side of the hallway is the steps going downstairs, Sissy and Coco's room, our bathroom, our bedroom. At the end of the hall is the big boys room. Shawn and Bunny are standing in the doorway, but I don't think you can see them.

Then across from the library is Bunny's room, then little boys, then kids bathroom, then Tator's room, then laundry room.

It is starting to become a reality. We will be living there soon.