5 weeks

In the last 5 weeks Tator has only been here 4 days. The 4 days she was here were after the first week. It was when she had come home from camp.

The week she was at camp we all breathed easier and enjoyed the peace. I knew something was going to change with her. I knew things couldn't go on like they had been, it was taking too big of a toll on our family. My littles were suffering, as well as her, and I could not watch it go on. I needed to find my voice, a voice that has been hidden too long.

Our community mental health board was helping us come up with a "safety plan" but to me it was not happening fast enough. Things were getting too out of control, so I really started to push.

After her being gone the first week at camp the plan was for her to be home the next week with us, then I had someone that had offered to do respite for her while we moved so she was going to go there that weekend and stay until we were moved and settled in. I also thought by then we would have a safety plan in place so when she came home and she got out of control we would have back up.

That didn't work as I had hoped. She came home from camp on a Saturday morning with the flu, which pretty well knocked her out for the weekend. Then on Monday I could tell she still wasn't herself, but did fairly well at holding it together. Then Tuesday came and we had an appointment for Buc. To make a long story short, It did not end well and we were left 45 minutes from home. Me standing beside the car in a parking lot with Buc and Bunny trying to calm down all 4 littles in a locked car while they watched Tator hit, kick, scratch and bit me. When I tried to call for help she would hit the phone out of my hands and it would go flying across the parking lot.

That day I know this could no longer go on. I could not do it anymore. She had to get help. We had to get help. The emotional damage this was doing to the littles and myself was way too much.

The next day she went to the respite providers. While she was playing, swimming, and having a good time, I started to pick up the pieces here at home. Like I mentioned before we started family therapy, Bubbas and Buster and going the most. They both have some issues that really need to be worked on. They think violence is acceptable and ok and that creates a big problem. I am spending more time holding, rocking and reading with them. Trying to repair some of the damage and feelings they are having.

The community health board is looking for a therapeutic foster home for Tator. She will stay there and get the therapy she needs to learn how to deal with her emotions and learn cooping skills as to what to do when she is upset. These are things we have all worked on before. I'm not sure how this time will be different, but I want to be positive. I'm trying. Her violent behaviors make the other RAD behaviors feel like a walk in the park. I can deal with the behaviors, but not the violence. I'm tired of being a punching bag!

She is doing good. There have been no problems in respite. 4 weeks in that home and the honeymoon should be over. She should be showing some behaviors, but as the respite provider said " her level of self control is amazing." I always knew that.

I am feeling a lot of feelings. Anger, because she chooses to act this way in our home. She choose to let fear take over every time she felt love. Guilt, for way too many ways reasons to list right now. Peace, because everyone is doing well and the chaos she brings is gone. Sadness, overwhelming sadness for her that is hurts her way too much to bond with us. It's just way to easy to push us away. Fear, of the unknown and how this might play out. And last but not least, failure. I know I did not do this to my daughter. Someone else did, that person that gave birth to her and was supposed to love, care for, and protect her didn't. I now I am paying for her sins. But after 6.5 years I couldn't help her heal. I couldn't help her be the person I totally believe she can be. Failure because, I like so many other adoptive moms, thought love was going to be enough.

Some July pictures

Bunny turned 12!!!!!

Our little turtle we rescued from the middle of the road.
Actually he wasn't real little.

Yes, we caught this white mouse in our old house.

Setting in

We are finally moved in  and everyone is getting settled. Everyone is sleeping very good at night, matter of fact, the baby even slept through the night last night. We are enjoying the extra room, closet space (we didn't have closets in the old house), bathrooms (we went from one to three), and just the convinces that this house has that the other one didn't.

I'm still waiting for my washer and dryer to be hooked up then my laundry will all be upstairs where the bedrooms are. I have always been very spoiled with my laundry at the other house my laundry room was off the living room and right by the bathroom so when the clothes came off they went to the laundry room, cleaned then back up to the bedrooms. Here I have been bringing them downstairs from the bathrooms and bedrooms, cleaning them, then caring them back upstairs. I am not enjoying this. I was very spoiled before.

Tayler is still in respite. I hope to have time to blog more about that later. She is having a good time. She is doing well and holding it all together. She was even able to go on a mini vacation with them. Imagine that, and she didn't even give them any trouble in the car.

Next week at this time I will be visiting with some of my soul sisters. One that I have really gotten to know and the rest I don't know that I even met in Orlando, but am anxious to get to know them. I am looking forward to this time away. My mom is going with me and I am taking Bunny and the four littles. This is a much needed trip for all of us.

I'm hoping to be able to blog more now that we're moved. There is so much I want to say. I'm hoping with school starting soon things will be more structured and I will have more alone time. (but I won't bet on it) I will post more pictures of the house as we get things finished up.

Have a great weekend friends.

work weekend

Last weekend we all worked very hard at the house
trying to get it ready so we can move in.
We are just about there. All that's left is things like
putting up fence around the pool, hooking up the dishwasher,
clothes washer, dryer, and putting up shelving in some of the closets.

When they moved they left us this sectional, so Bubbas was

hard at work cleaning it up.

Some of us just cried because we weren't allowed to

get into everything.

We had a lot of trouble getting the all paper off the

walls in the little boys bedroom. When we tried to get it

off the drywall was coming off with it. So Shawn tore

the drywall off and re drywalled. So mom was priming it

so we could paint it.

Buster just enjoyed digging a hole.

Buc thought he was telling Duckie what to do.

Shawn worked on making me a platform to put my washer
and dryer on.