Friday, June 17, 2011

My Broken Heart

  I think I mentioned in my last post that Tator has been more loving, and easier to get along with lately. She's been full of so  many hugs and I love yous, your the best mom in the world, I want to be right beside you and hold your hand continuously. To the point I want to puke, but I grin, bare it and go with the flow.

   Yesterday went like a dream she was home from daycare. So we reviewed school in the morning, she did great. Practiced reading, writing and telling time. Then all the kids went outside and played together, so I was able to get a lot done in the house.

   In the afternoon we had therapy and she was doing so well that I hated to have to tell her about the appointment. I knew it would make her upset. So I waited until after lunch to tell her. She ended up being ok with it. We got ready and left and she slept for at least an hour out of the hour and a half car ride. It was wonderful.

   Therapy went great. She of course was her charming self. Mommies the best, I'm ready to be a "family girl", I'm done with misbehaving, I've realized it doesn't get me anywhere etc., etc., etc.

   The car ride home went well I had bought her chips to eat in the car, something she's not usually allowed to do because when she gets mad she makes a mess with her food. She thanked me over and over telling me how I was the best mom in the world yada, yada, yada. She read and talked to me asking questions about the story she was reading.

   The whole while I was thinking, how can I go from going to daycare 3 days a week to homeschooling her. This past week and a half has been wonderful. We still had some 2 year old tantrums, but nothing major. Maybe alot of her episodes had to do with the medication she was on, maybe she is starting to mesh into the family. I felt bad because she had said during therapy that she hated daycare and wanted to be home with us. I felt bad about that. I don't want her spending time in a daycare that she hates when she can be at home playing with her siblings, If she can act like a nice person to all of us when she's here and REALLY wants to be here.

  As we came into town it was almost time to pick up Buc and a friend from baseball so I had called home and told them I would pick them up instead of someone else making a trip in town. So I pulled into the ball field and shut off the car because we had about 10 minutes to wait until practice was over.

  Then BOOM it happened. Tator went crazy. She started with kicking the seat and yelling "I hate you, your the worst mom in the world, get me out of this car I'm not sitting here," I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Apparently she didn't want to sit and wait. Ten minutes, ten stinking minutes. I tried to explain to her that we were only going to be there a few minutes, but she was beyond hearing me. I also tried to explain to her that everyone around and on the ball field could hear her. She must have heard that, because then she started yelling, "put up the window, I'll yell if I want."

  The rest of the evening carried out the same way, alot of yelling, telling me what a mean mom I was and how much she hated me. Well except for the ride home because as soon as Buc and his friend started to the car she sat down, buckled in and put on a happy face. She wouldn't want the friend to see her acting like that.

  Thank goodness it was bedtime right after supper. (Well it was for her anyway.) It was all I could do to get her there without falling apart. As soon as I got her to her to bed and left the room, I let the flood gates open. I cried and cried and felt my heart breaking into a hundred pieces. She was gone, the sweet, nice, fake happy, cuddly little girl that I wanted to rip out of daycare, because she wanted to be with me all the time was gone. The little girl that sat at the kitchen table that morning and worked on school and I fantasied about homeschooling and everything being normal was gone as quick as she came.

  Reality set back in as I told myself "this is your normal."

1 comment:

  1. Did you find out/figure out what triggered the outburst/dysregulation?

    I understand where you are coming from. Things have been on a relatively even keel here for about 3 weeks. I am nervous about when "the other shoe is going to fall" for we know that happens!