I've been thinking a lot about my last post and realized it really sounded like a self pity trip. And honestly that's what I've been doing for a long time now.
The truth is parenting a child with RAD is hard. There is no other way to put it. There are days that we (my husband, kids, and I) clearly feel we could lose our minds. The game play, the manipulation, the triangulation, the lying, making faces, trying to get everyone upset, the deviancy, the regressing into baby mode that can happen in less than a minute and then there's also the mimicking RAD behaviors from the little boys. All this that takes place, happens all in one day.
I have been taking RAD very personally since she has been diagnosed. When my RADling has a bad day we all have a bad day. I have found it hard to sit in church, a ball game or even go to the grocery store and not burst into tears after RAD has had a bad day in my house. It has a different effect on each one of my children.
Courtney said it beautifully. RAD is not my fault and I did not do this to my child. But it still hurts. I struggle every day with things that mothers of normal children will never understand. I do tend to sit around and pity myself asking God why he asked me to do this. I get mad because I don't want to do it. I want to have people understand me and my family and why we do things the way we do.
Last week I hit rock bottom. I was so discouraged and RAD had ran rapid through this house all day long. Every characteristic of it. I actually told my husband I was done for awhile. He would have to fully parent Tator for awhile. He could take over all the therapy, and holding, and all the extra parenting that comes with parenting a RAD child. I hardly slept that night and cried most of it. Then the next morning I read this and I felt like Courtney had wrote it for me.(which she did not) It made me cry. It made me take back the task that God had asked me to do. It made me realize the worst thing I could do was walk away from my daughter when she needs me the most. That's what RAD does it pushes people away. So what my daughter needs most is me to stand and help her face RAD head on.
I love Tator as much as I love my other children. I remember everything about the first time I saw her just like I do with all my other children. That's why it hurts so bad when she pushes me away. But she's not pushing me away, RAD is pushing me away. RAD is a disease. A disease I hope we can overcome.
I am meeting amazing people because of RAD and even though I don't understand it yet, I know God has a plan. He is defiantly trying to teach me something. I just need to keep on keeping on to find out what that is.