Backing off

   I haven't been blogging lately because I've been dealing with some hurtful stuff. I've been trying to process and work through it and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

   A couple weeks ago Tator went to a special needs camp. It was just the break everyone needed after vacation. It was a special needs camp with foster and adopted kids. They swam, rode horses, sang songs, and had a bible study everyday.

   On Friday when it was time to pick her up a friend of mine, who also had a daughter at the same camp, rode with me to pick the girls up together. When we got there we had to show our ID and then they asked us who we were here for. When I told them Tator they said "oh your going to have a hard time picking her up we all would like to take her home with us." That gave me a really sick feeling in my stomach, obviously she didn't show them any of the behaviors we deal with.

   We went into the sanctuary of the church to wait for the campers to come in. Soon they all started filing in, all with bags of things they had received that week, looking for their parents. My friends daughter came over, hugged my friend, sat down beside us, started talking about everything she had done that week and all the treasures she had received. I looked all over and didn't see Tator anywhere. I sat listening to Z, my friends daughter, talk about her week. I asked her a couple times where she thought Tator was. Finally I saw her sitting way off between 2 of the counselors, laughing and talking with them. At about the same time she looked up, caught my eyes, smiled, waved and got up with her counselor and came over to meet me. She hugged me and introduced me to her counselor. I asked her if she had fun and we chatted for a few minutes, then the director was getting ready to speak. So I asked her if she wanted to come sit with me during the ending program. She looked at the counselor and said " no, I'll stay with her." She (counselor) looked at me then followed Tator back to their seats.

  So the sick feeling i had in my stomach from before now was feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach. I went from hurt to mad. Suddenly her attachment to me became very clear. I tried not to be hurt, but dang! Five and a half years I have been a mother to this child and she's away from me with someone other than grandma for the first time for longer than 24 hours and she doesn't even want to sit by me.

   That weekend was long. As all you trauma mamas know re-entry is the hardest. Getting back into her normal routine was very hard for her. We had the normal two year old tantrums all weekend long. And the whole time I was finding it very hard to deal because I couldn't get what had happened Friday out of my mind.

  The next week we had therapy and when the therapist and I were talking before Tator came in I told her what had happened on Friday and how I was kinda shocked. She told me I shouldn't be and not to take it personally. But it was ok to feel hurt, I am only human.

   She talked with Tator about her bad behavior over the last few months and what had happened on Friday. Tator didn't seem at all bothered by it, her bad behavior or the fact that she didn't sit by me when I picked her up.
  
   It hurt for her as her therapist talked with her because I realized that she didn't realize she should have missed me. I also was mad because she had no remorse for the way she has been acting and treating us over the last few weeks/months. Her therapist asked her if she realized next time we went on vacation she would probably have to got to respite. She said she knew and didn't seem a bit upset about that.

   The following week we had an appointment with her psychiatrist and it was basically went the same way. He tried to talk to her about her behavior and she just sat there slouched back in her chair, arms crossed across her chest, kicking her feet and glaring at him the whole time. She would just mumble out one word answers when he would ask her a question. She looked like a 15 year old with MAJOR chip on her shoulder.

   He asked her if she loved me or anyone and she just kinda mumbled ya. Saying she didn't think there was anything wrong with her behavior. I told him I was tired of getting hit and kicked every time she got mad. She acted like she didn't really think there was anything wrong with her behavior. He asked why I should be her mom or what she could do to get along with the other kids. She just mumbled "I don't know."

   I tried to figure out if this was all an act, but after the months of bad behavior and her not missing me at all while she was at camp I just started to wonder, what if she doesn't want to heal, what if she doesn't want to be a family girl, or worse, what if she can't?

   The psychiatrist asked her to leave the room, then sat there telling me he wasn't sure if she was capable of loving. He said most RAD kids want to change and you'll see little glimpses, but she doesn't show it at all. I was very upset with her when we left. I did not go to the car acting like nothing had happened, I wanted her to know I was upset. So when she started asking me questions in the car like "are you taking me swimming now?" because we had not gone home the way we usually do. I let her know that I was very upset that she couldn't even tell him why she wanted me as a mom and there was no way I was taking her swimming. Besides she knew it was a stupid question, it was 7:00 at night.

   So the last couple weeks I've been dealing with a lot of feelings. I know not to take RAD personally and I'm not on a self pity trip. I'm just trying to process all the things he said along with her actions.

   I haven't given up, I love her too much to do that. But I have backed off, meaning I'm not asking to rock her or going out of my way, I'm just not pushing anything right now. Which I know is wrong, but I feel like I need space.

   She has been better since that night. I'm not sure why, but I won't complain. She's being really nice to everyone and helping out. I'm going to keep believing in her and that she can beat this. I'm going to direct my anger towards the source of her hurt instead of at her. And I'm going to try with everything in me to forget what her psychiatrist said.